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The pie charts below show information on the highest level of education of women in Someland in 1945 and 1995. v.2

The pie charts below show information on the highest level of education of women in Someland in 1945 and 1995. v. 2
The pie charts show how the women education scenario in Someland changed by comparing the highest level of female education in 1995 with that of five decades earlier. Overall, a notable progress in education was achieved by women in Someland. According to the diagrams, more than one-third women in Someland did not receive any formal education in 1945 while another one-third dropped out before they even completed their primary education. This is a dismaying figure for women in terms of their schooling in Someland in 1945. Moreover, almost a quarter female merely finished their sixth and ninth grades whereas only 4% made it to their 12th grades. Merely 1% of these women were awarded their first-degree certificates while none of them earned the post-graduation qualification. However, after fifty years, the progress was remarkable when one in every five women in Someland finished their post-graduation, half of them earned their first-degree and all women finished at least grade 9. No women in Someland in 1995 was deprived of their education and 20% of them finished school years to finish their 12 grades.
The pie charts
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show
how the
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women
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education
scenario in
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Someland
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changed
by comparing the highest level of female
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education
in 1995 with that of five decades earlier.
Overall
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "notable progress".
a notable progress
in
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education
was achieved
by
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women
in
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Someland
.

According to the diagrams, more than one-third
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women
in
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Someland
did not receive any formal
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education
in 1945 while another one-third dropped out
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before
they even completed their primary
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education
. This is a dismaying figure for
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women
in terms of their schooling in
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Someland
in 1945.
Moreover
, almost a quarter female
merely
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finished
their sixth and ninth
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grades
whereas
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only
4% made it to their 12th
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grades
.
Merely
1% of these
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women
were awarded
their
first
-degree certificates while none of them earned the post-graduation qualification.

However
, after fifty years, the progress was remarkable when one in every five
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women
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Someland
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finished
their post-graduation, half of them earned their
first
-degree and all
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women
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finished
at least
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grade
9. No
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women
in
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Someland
in 1995
was deprived
of their
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education
and 20% of them
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finished
school years to finish their 12
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grades
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS academic The pie charts below show information on the highest level of education of women in Someland in 1945 and 1995. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
181 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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