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The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. v.9

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. v. 9
The graph compares the growth of population aged 65 and over in Japan, Sweden, and America from 1940 to 2040. According to the graph, it can be clearly seen that although initially Japan’s ageing population ratio was lower than that of Sweden and USA and will remain so till 2030. But it is predicted that elder people’s percentage in Japan will increases significantly afterwards. Based on the graph, between 1940 and 1980, Japan’s elderly population remained below 5% of total population in contrast to Sweden and USA. Senior citizens in later two countries grew gradually above 10% respective to the overall population. When Sweden and USA’s elderly population percentages slightly dropped in 1990, Japan started to show an increase in its population aged 65 and over. Further, In 2010, elderly people in Sweden and Japan rose to 20% and 7% respectively while USA’s percentage remained the same i. e. 15% in that period. Despite Sweden’s temporary drop, the population of elders will keep going up dramatically, particularly after 2020 and will peak in 2040. After 2030 Japan’s elderly population percentage will grow more than double to above 25% and that will place Japan in the highest position in terms of senior citizen ratio followed by Sweden (25%) and USA (23%).
The graph compares the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
aged 65 and over in
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Japan
, Sweden, and America from 1940 to 2040. According to the graph, it can be
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that although
initially
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Japan’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
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population
ratio was lower than that of Sweden and USA and will remain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
till 2030.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it
is predicted
that elder
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s
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percentage
in
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Japan
will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "increase"
increases
significantly
afterwards.

Based on the graph, between 1940 and 1980,
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Japan’s
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elderly
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population
remained below 5% of total
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population
in contrast
to Sweden and USA. Senior citizens in later two countries grew
gradually
above 10% respective to the
overall
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population
. When Sweden and USA’s
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elderly
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population
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percentages
slightly
dropped in 1990,
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Japan
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
an increase in its
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population
aged 65 and over.
Further
, In 2010,
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elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in Sweden and
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Japan
rose to 20% and 7%
respectively
while USA’s
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percentage
remained the same
There should be no space here: "i.e.".
i. e.
15% in that period. Despite Sweden’s temporary drop, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of elders will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
going up
dramatically
,
particularly
after 2020 and will peak in 2040. After 2030
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Japan’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
will grow more than double to above 25% and that will place
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Japan
in the highest position in terms of senior citizen ratio followed by Sweden (25%) and USA (23%).
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
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IELTS academic The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. v. 9

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
210 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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