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The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. v.8

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. v. 8
The provided illustration reveals data about the percentages of people who were elderly in three countries. This research was conducted to looking further information in three different nations; they were Japan, Sweden and USA. All of the samples were aged 65 and over, whereas, the data provide a view in the long term which is 100 years. Firstly, older population in Sweden and USA had a small difference in 1940 because they were both approximately 10% of the total population. These countries had a steady improvement for several years in terms of their number of elderly people. Meanwhile, they are predicted to have a similar result in 2040; their elder generation will rise around 25% in that year. Secondly, Japan was position as the lowest ranked nation in 1940 which had less old people than the other two countries. Over the year, Japan will have the largest proportion of elder people in the future. According to the given figures, Japan will notice an increase in 2020 to 2040 in terms of their elder generation proportion. It will put Japan to have an aged population with more than 25%. Lastly, all of the nations will have more proportion of elderly people in the coming years which indicate the enhanced life expectancy.
The provided illustration reveals data about the percentages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who were elderly in three countries. This research
was conducted
to looking
further
information in three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations; they were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
, Sweden and USA.
Consider using "all the".
All of the
samples
were aged
65 and over, whereas, the data provide a view in the long term which is 100 years.

Firstly
, older population in Sweden and USA had a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
difference in 1940
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they were both approximately 10% of the total population. These countries had a steady improvement for several years in terms of their number of elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Meanwhile, they
are predicted
to have a similar result in 2040; their elder generation will rise around 25% in that year.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
was position as the lowest ranked nation in 1940 which had less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than the other two countries. Over the year,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
will have the largest proportion of elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the future. According to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
figures,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
will notice an increase in 2020 to 2040 in terms of their elder generation proportion. It will put
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
to have an aged population with more than 25%.

Lastly
,
Consider using "all the".
all of the
nations will have more proportion of elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the coming years which indicate the enhanced life expectancy.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS academic The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. v. 8

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
210 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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