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The graph below shows the proportion of the population 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. v.2

The graph below shows the proportion of the population 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. v. 2
The given pie chart depicts data on the percentage of elderly people in Japan, Sweden and USA over a century, namely between 1940 and 2040. Overall, it is clear that the proportion of aged population will increase in every country given. However, it is forecast that the percentage of Japan' s elderly population will undergo the most dramatic rise. Initially, just below 10% of the population in USA was 60 and over, as opposed to Sweden, where the figure was at approximately 7%. Between 1940 and 1980, the figures for both countries increased gradually before fluctuating in the following period. In USA the elderly population decreased slightly, and following that it reached a plateau at just under 15%, which is expected to last until 2020. It is predicted that the proportion of elders in Sweden will eventually overtake the one of elders in USA and in 2040 the figures for Sweden and USA will peak at just over 25% and about 24% respectively. With regard to Japan, in 1940 the elders accounted for 5% of the country' s total population. There was a steady decrease until 1960, and following that the proportion remained stable at roughly 3%. After 2020 it is expected that the elderly population in Japan will rocket and it will finally exceed the aging populations of the aforementioned countries. Moreover, in 2040 the percentage will be about 5 times as high as the percentage recorded in 1940.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
pie chart depicts data on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
, Sweden and USA over a century,
namely
between 1940 and 2040.

Overall
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the proportion of aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
will increase in every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
.
However
, it is forecast that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Japan&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
will undergo the most dramatic rise.

Initially
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
below 10% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
was 60 and over, as opposed to Sweden, where the figure was at approximately 7%. Between 1940 and 1980, the figures for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
increased
gradually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
fluctuating in the following period.
A determiner is probably missing here: "In the USA".
In USA
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
decreased
slightly
, and following that it reached a plateau at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under 15%, which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to last until 2020. It
is predicted
that the proportion of elders in Sweden will
eventually
overtake the one of elders
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
and in 2040 the figures for Sweden and USA will peak at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 25% and about 24%
respectively
.

With regard to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
, in 1940 the elders accounted for 5% of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
country&
#039; s total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
. There was a steady decrease until 1960, and following that the proportion remained stable at roughly 3%. After 2020 it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
will rocket and it will
finally
exceed the aging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
populations
of the aforementioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
Moreover
, in 2040 the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
will be about 5 times as high as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
recorded in 1940.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS academic The graph below shows the proportion of the population 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
240 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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