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It is more important for school children to learn about their local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.3

It is more important for school children to learn about their local history than world history. v. 3
In the contemporary society much attention is paid to education. Over the years mankind has recognized the need for knowledge of history. Some people think that pupils should learn more about their local history than world history. My view, like many other people, is that it is more rational to study history about yourown town. Many arguments can be found in favour of the view that world history is less important. Firstly, people may never visit countries the history of which they taught while approximately 18-70 years could be spent in home town. Therefore it is necessary to understand what was in the past with this place to understand where it is heading in the future. Besides, to understand, for instance, street and building names, which people see almost every day during their lives, architecture of districts children should learn about their local history. However, this idea cannot go further that being an immature claim because other people think that knowledge of world history helps people to think globally, to think differently. For instance, world history helps to understand why some countries and cities have developed and some have not. This to some extent helps to understand the history of your own region. Moreover, as a rule world history is more interesting and more important because there were critical and famous events in world scale. All things considered, the obvious conclusion to be drawn is that for pupils it is more important to learn about their own towns than world historical events because children should know more about the place where they spend most of their lives.
In the contemporary society much attention
is paid
to education. Over the
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "years'" or "year's"?
years
mankind has recognized the need for knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that pupils should learn more about their local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
. My view, like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, is that it is more rational to study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
about
Possible spelling mistake found.
yourown
town.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
arguments can
be found
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
is less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may never visit countries the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of which they taught while approximately 18-70 years could
be spent
in home town.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
it is necessary to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
understand
what was in the past with this place to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
understand
where it is heading in the future.
Besides
, to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
understand
,
for instance
, street and building names, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
almost every day during their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, architecture of districts children should learn about their local history.

However
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
cannot go
further
that being an immature claim
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
globally, to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
differently
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
understand
why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries and cities have developed and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
have not. This to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
understand
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
of your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
region.
Moreover
, as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
is more interesting and more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there were critical and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
scale.

All things considered, the obvious conclusion to
be drawn
is that for pupils it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to learn about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
towns than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
historical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
children should know more about the place where they spend most of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS academic It is more important for school children to learn about their local history than world history. v. 3

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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