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The graph below shows the percentage of mobile phone owners using various mobile phone features in Vietnam in the year 2005, 2008, 2010. v.2

The graph below shows the percentage of mobile phone owners using various mobile phone features in Vietnam in the year 2005, 2008, 2010. v. 2
The table illustrates the proportion of people using their phone for differents function in the year 2005, 2008 and 2010 in VietNam It is clear that, most of figure in the table decreased in the last year except the data for take photos. Also, almost cellphone user utilising their phone to make calls over the period shown. As can be seen from the chart, starting at 65% in 2005, the number of people used phone to take photos witnessed a slightly rose to 70% in 2008 and then continued to grow to 77% at the end of the period. By contrast, in 2005, over three-quarter of mobile phone owner made use of record audio, this function was least popular choice for people in 2010 at only 63% Out of the other features, 100% cellphone possessors made call in 2005 and 2008 but this figure fell marginally in the next 2 years by 3%. Meanwhile, Send& receive text message was the second common function in 2005 at 82% before declined gradually to only 68% in the last year.
The table illustrates the proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
using their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
for
Possible spelling mistake found.
differents
function in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2005, 2008 and 2010 in
Possible spelling mistake found.
VietNam


It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that,
Consider using "most figure" or "most of the figure".
most of figure
in the table decreased in the last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
except the data for take photos.
Also
, almost cellphone user
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilising' is British English.
utilising
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
calls over the period shown.

As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the chart, starting at 65% in 2005, the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
to take photos witnessed a
You used an adverb ('slightly') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('rose') instead of another adjective.
slightly rose
to 70% in 2008 and then continued to grow to 77% at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the period. By contrast, in 2005, over three-quarter of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
owner made
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of record audio, this function was
A determiner is probably missing here: "the least".
least
popular choice for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in 2010 at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
63%

Out of the other features, 100% cellphone possessors made call in 2005 and 2008
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this figure fell
marginally
in the
next
2 years by 3%. Meanwhile,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Send&amp
; receive text message was the second common function in 2005 at 82%
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
declined
gradually
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
68% in the last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS academic The graph below shows the percentage of mobile phone owners using various mobile phone features in Vietnam in the year 2005, 2008, 2010. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
177 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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