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The graph below shows the average salaries earned by people with different levels of education. v.2

The graph below shows the average salaries earned by people with different levels of education. v. 2
The provided bar chart compares salaries earned by people based on their educational qualification. As an overall trend, those who have higher degrees generally earn more and post-graduates or more qualified professionals earn around 60% to 70% higher wages annually than high school diploma holders To begin with, people who have a high school diploma receive 30 thousand dollars annual salary, on average. Job holders with Bachelor's degrees are entitled to get 10 thousand more as remuneration. Additionally, Master's Degree allows an average person to earn as much as 49 thousand dollars in a year, while for PhD, the payroll increases to over 50 thousand dollars a year, which is more than 20 and around 10 thousand dollars higher than that of high school diploma and Bachelor degree holders, respectively. It is worth noticing that people with Master's Degree or PhD earn over 20 thousand dollars more than those with just school certificates. Also, the difference in earnings between two close levels of education gradually become smaller.
The provided bar chart compares salaries earned by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
based on their educational qualification.

As an
overall
trend, those who have higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degrees
generally
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earn
more and post-graduates or more qualified professionals
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earn
around 60% to 70% higher wages
annually
than high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
diploma holders

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have a high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
diploma receive 30 thousand
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dollars
annual salary, on average. Job holders with Bachelor's
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degrees
are entitled
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
10 thousand more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
remuneration.
Additionally
, Master's
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Degree
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
an average person to
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earn
as much as 49 thousand
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dollars
in a year, while for PhD, the payroll increases to over 50 thousand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dollars
a year, which is more than 20 and around 10 thousand
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dollars
higher than that of high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
diploma and Bachelor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
holders,
respectively
.

It is worth noticing that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with Master's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Degree
or PhD
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
over 20 thousand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dollars
more than those with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
certificates.
Also
, the difference in earnings between two close levels of education
gradually
become smaller.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS academic The graph below shows the average salaries earned by people with different levels of education. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
167 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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