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The graph below shows the alcohol-related deaths in 7 different countries and the average beer consumption in 2005. v.2

The graph below shows the alcohol-related deaths in 7 different countries and the average beer consumption in 2005. v. 2
The provided table data outlines per capita beer consumption and deaths from alcohol intake in seven different countries. Overall, the higher the alcohol consumption was in a country, the higher the mortality rate was there and death cases among men were more prevalent than that of females. In details, average beer consumption in the Czech Republic was the highest in 2002, 132 litres per person, and the alcohol-related death count was also the maximum in this country in 2005. Around 1. 37 million Czechs died from alcohol-related complexities in 2005 and 0. 9 million of them were men. Per capita beer consumption in Germany, Austria and Ireland were almost similar, 107, 106 and 104 litres respectively and death tolls from alcohol intake in these countries were also higher. Around 1. 1, 0. 91 and 0. 58 million people from these countries departed due to their alcohol issues and the number of deceased males was significantly higher than that of females. The lowest beer intake could be observed in Canada, 86 litres per person in a year, but the number of Canadians died from alcohol-related problem was higher than that of Estonia and Lithuania. 125 thousand Lithuanians died of alcohol-caused problems of which only 13000 were females.
The provided table data outlines per capita beer
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consumption
and deaths from
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alcohol
intake in seven
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different
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countries
.
Overall
, the higher the
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alcohol
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consumption
was in a
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country
, the higher the mortality rate was there and death cases among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
were more prevalent than that of females.

In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, average beer
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consumption
in the Czech Republic was the highest in 2002, 132
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litres
per person, and the alcohol-related death count was
also
the maximum in this
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country
in 2005. Around 1. 37 million Czechs
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died
from alcohol-related complexities in 2005 and 0. 9 million of them were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
. Per capita beer
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consumption
in Germany, Austria and Ireland were almost similar, 107, 106 and 104
Possible spelling mistake. 'litres' is British English.
litres
respectively
and death tolls from
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alcohol
intake in these
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countries
were
also
higher. Around 1. 1, 0. 91 and 0. 58 million
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from these
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countries
departed due to their
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alcohol
issues and the number of deceased males was
significantly
higher than that of females. The lowest beer intake could
be observed
in Canada, 86
Possible spelling mistake. 'litres' is British English.
litres
per person in a year,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the number of Canadians
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
from alcohol-related problem was higher than that of Estonia and Lithuania. 125 thousand Lithuanians
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
of alcohol-caused problems of which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
13000 were females.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS academic The graph below shows the alcohol-related deaths in 7 different countries and the average beer consumption in 2005. v. 2

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
206 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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