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The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. v.3

The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. v. 3
The provided bar graph compares the number of male senior developers in three major software companies namely IBM, Microsoft and Apple between 1980 and 2010. As is presented in the graph, Initially Apple had the largest percentage of senior development employees but after 30 years IBM employed the largest percentage of such employees. As is presented in the bar graph, initially in 1980, IBM had less than 3% senior male developers while Microsoft had 8% and Apple had about 15% such senior developers. After a decade, in 1990 to be exact, the percentage of senior male developers became almost the same for these companies. In 1995, the percentage of senior male employees in IBM became the highest and this kept on increasing till 2010. Finally, in 2010, IBM had the largest percentage of such employees making more than 60% while Microsoft had 45% and Apple had about 25% of such senior developers. In summary, the number of male senior developers increased in all the three companies but the rate of increase in IBM and Microsoft were far higher than Apple.
The provided bar graph compares the number of male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developers
in three major software
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
namely
IBM, Microsoft and
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Apple
between 1980 and 2010. As
is presented
in the graph,
Initially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Apple
had the largest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
development employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after 30 years IBM employed the largest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of such employees.

As
is presented
in the bar graph,
initially
in 1980, IBM had less than 3%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developers
while Microsoft had 8% and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Apple
had about 15% such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developers
. After a decade, in 1990 to be exact, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developers
became almost the same for these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. In 1995, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
male employees in IBM became the highest and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
on increasing till 2010.
Finally
, in 2010, IBM had the largest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of such employees making more than 60% while Microsoft had 45% and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Apple
had about 25% of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
developers.

In summary, the number of male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developers
increased in all the three
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the rate of increase in IBM and Microsoft were far higher than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Apple
.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
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Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS academic The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. v. 3

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
180 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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