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The graph below shows the alcohol-related deaths in 7 different countries and the average beer consumption in 2005. v.1

The graph below shows the alcohol-related deaths in 7 different countries and the average beer consumption in 2005. v. 1
The table data shows the alcohol-related mortality in 2005 in 7 different countries and per person beer consumption in these countries in 2002. Overall, the most alcohol-related deaths were in the Czech Republic in 2005 while the average beer consumption there was also the highest. Death from alcohol intake was more prevalent among men than that of women. More than 5 million people departed in 2005 from the alcohol intake in the given seven countries and it was significantly higher among men. There is a connection between the per capita beer consumption with the death from alcohol-related problems. In the Czech Republic, on an average, each citizen drank 132 litres beer in 2005 and that caused the highest number of alcohol-related death in this country (about 1, 36, 9000 death). German consumed the second highest amount of beer and it caused the second highest death in this country which was about 1, 185, 000. Lithuanian population drank comparatively fewer litres of beers on an average and the least number of people (about 125, 000) died from the alcohol-related diseases there. Austria, Ireland, Canada and  Estonia had comparatively higher alcohol consumption and higher death rates from alcohol. Interestingly the alcohol-related death in Canada was higher than the Estonia and Lithuania though Canadian people consumes comparatively less quantity of beers than the latter two countries. Finally, the percentage of females who died from alcohol-related problems was lower than their male counterparts.
The table data
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shows
the alcohol-related mortality in 2005 in 7
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different
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countries
and per person beer
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consumption
in these
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countries
in 2002.
Overall
, the most alcohol-related deaths were in the Czech Republic in 2005 while the average beer
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consumption
there was
also
the highest. Death from alcohol intake was more prevalent among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
than that of women.

More than 5 million
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people
departed in 2005 from the alcohol intake in the
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given
seven
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countries
and it was
significantly
higher among
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men
. There is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
the per capita beer
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consumption
with the death from alcohol-related problems.

In the Czech Republic, on an average, each citizen drank 132
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litres
beer in 2005 and that caused the highest number of alcohol-related death in this
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country
(about 1, 36, 9000 death). German consumed the second highest amount of beer and it caused the second highest death in this
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country
which was about 1, 185, 000. Lithuanian population drank
comparatively
fewer
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litres
of beers on an average and the least number of
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people
(about 125, 000)
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died
from the alcohol-related diseases there. Austria, Ireland, Canada and
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Estonia had
comparatively
higher alcohol
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consumption
and higher death rates from alcohol.

Interestingly
the alcohol-related death in Canada was higher than the Estonia and Lithuania though Canadian
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people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
consumes
comparatively
less quantity of beers than the latter two
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countries
.
Finally
, the percentage of females who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
from alcohol-related problems was lower than their male counterparts.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS academic The graph below shows the alcohol-related deaths in 7 different countries and the average beer consumption in 2005. v. 1

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
239 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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