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The graph below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age. v.2

The graph below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age. v. 2
The proportion of individuals who purchase three different music albums based on sex and age in the UK is depicted in the graphs. It is immediately apparent that young people aged below 45 years old, and also men make up the highest percentage in buying different music albums. In detail, three figures which show buyers aged from 16 to 44 years old have a fairly similar level in the pop and rock music categories, reaching higher than elderly people in the purchasing of music albums, at well over 25%. By contrast, classical music becomes favorite purchasing for elderly people aged above 45 years old, with figure reaching nearly 20%. On the other hand, males dominate to buy rock and classical music albums, tough both of them experience almost same pattern in the pop music. Surprisingly, the percentage of men buying rock music is nearly twice as high as those of women. To conclude, the genres of pop and rock music are interesting to young people aged under 45 year old, while the men record by far the highest figures than women.
The proportion of individuals who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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music
albums based on sex and age in the UK
is depicted
in the graphs. It is immediately apparent that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
below 45 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
, and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
up the highest percentage in buying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
albums.

In detail, three figures which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
buyers
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aged
from 16 to 44 years
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old
have a
fairly
similar level in the pop and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rock
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
categories, reaching higher than elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the purchasing of
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music
albums, at well over 25%. By contrast, classical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
becomes favorite purchasing for elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
above 45 years
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old
, with figure reaching
nearly
20%.

On the other hand
, males dominate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rock
and classical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
albums, tough both of them experience almost same pattern in the pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
Surprisingly
, the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rock
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
nearly
twice as high as those of women.

To conclude
, the genres of pop and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rock
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are interesting to young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
under 45
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
, while the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
record by far the highest figures than women.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS academic The graph below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
181 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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