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The graphs below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age. v.3

The graphs below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age. v. 3
The charts present data on pop, rock and classical music album purchase by different age groups of British male and female. It is worth noticing that rock music is more popular among the young people while classical music is preferred by the Britons over 45 years old. According to bar graphs, more than a quarter British males purchased rock music albums while less than 10% preferred classical music. Similarly 8% Britons female purchased rock music albums while 6% from this same category purchased classical music. This data depicts that more British men purchased music albums than women. According to age group, rock music is more preferred by 25 to 34 years British who purchased around 31% rock music. These people bought only 17% classical music. 16 to 24 years old British purchased 29% rock music while their percentage for buying classical music is significantly less, only 1%. Rock music is also popular than classical music among the 35 to 44 years age group who bought 14% rock music albums compared to the only 3% classical music purchase. But a completely different trend can be observed among the British over 45 years who prefer classical music over the rock and pop music. People from this age group purchased 20% classic music albums while the rock music albums they purchased amount only 8-10 percentage.
The charts present data on pop,
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rock
and
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classical
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music
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album
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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age
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groups
of British male and female. It is worth noticing that
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rock
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music
is more popular among the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
while
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classical
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music
is preferred
by the Britons over 45 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

According to bar graphs, more than a quarter British
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "male", "malis"?
males
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purchased
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rock
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music
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albums
while less than 10% preferred
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classical
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music
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Similarly
8% Britons female
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purchased
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rock
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music
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albums
while 6% from this same category
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purchased
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classical
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music
. This data depicts that more British
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men
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purchased
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music
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albums
than women.

According to
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age
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group
,
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rock
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music
is more preferred by 25 to 34 years British who
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purchased
around 31%
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rock
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music
. These
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
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only
17%
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classical
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music
. 16 to 24 years
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old
British
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purchased
29%
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rock
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music
while their percentage for buying
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classical
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music
is
significantly
less,
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only
1%.
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Rock
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music
is
also
Use "(popular)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
popular
than
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classical
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music
among the 35 to 44 years
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age
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group
who
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bought
14%
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rock
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music
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albums
compared to the
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only
3%
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classical
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music
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purchase
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
a completely
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different
trend can
be observed
among the British over 45 years who prefer
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classical
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music
over the
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rock
and pop
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music
.
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People
from this
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age
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group
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purchased
20% classic
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music
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albums
while the
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rock
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music
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albums
they
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purchased
amount
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only
8-10 percentage.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
68Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS academic The graphs below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age. v. 3

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
222 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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