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The graphs below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age. v.1

The graphs below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age. v. 1
The given charts enumerate the percentage of pop, rock and classical music album purchasers based on their sex and age group in Britain. As a general trend, men were dominant music album purchasers in every kind of music genre. In pop music, buyers from 16-34 years old were well ahead than other age groups. 16-25 years old pop album purchasers stood close to that of 25-34 years old and they combinedly purchased more than 60% pop albums sold in Britain. Almost 28% pop albums were purchased by males while this was less than 20% by females. People over 45 years old were less enthusiastic about pop and rock music while their main interest was classical music. With regards to rock music album purchase, a striking similarity between the purchasing trends of pop and rock music albums could be observed. Nevertheless, rock music was the most popular music genre for both male and female prefered pop music. On the other, classical music was most preferred by the people who were over 45 years old and they purchased 20% music albums of this music type. However, young Britons were quite less enthusiastic about classical music with their 1-2 percent purchase of the album of this genre. Interestingly, British people from 25-34 age group preferred classical music while British citizens from 35-44 did not.
The
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given
charts enumerate the percentage of pop,
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rock
and
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classical
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music
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album
purchasers based on their sex and age group in Britain. As a general trend,
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men
were dominant
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music
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album
purchasers in every kind of
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music
genre.

In pop
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music
, buyers from 16-34 years
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old
were well
Use "(ahead)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
ahead
than other age groups. 16-25 years
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old
pop
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album
purchasers stood close to that of 25-34 years
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
old and
they
Possible spelling mistake found.
combinedly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
more than 60% pop
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albums
sold in Britain. Almost 28% pop
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albums
were
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purchased
by males while this was less than 20% by females.
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People
over 45 years
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old
were less enthusiastic about pop and
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rock
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music
while their main interest was
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classical
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music
.
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
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rock
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music
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album
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purchase
, a striking similarity between the purchasing trends of pop and
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rock
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music
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albums
could
be observed
.
Nevertheless
,
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rock
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music
was the most popular
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music
genre for both male and female
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "preferred", the past tense form of the verb 'prefer'?
prefered
pop music.

On the other,
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classical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
was most preferred by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who were over 45 years
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
old and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
20%
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music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
albums
of this
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music
type.
However
, young Britons were quite less enthusiastic about
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classical
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music
with their 1-2 percent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
of the
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album
of this genre.
Interestingly
, British
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from 25-34 age group preferred
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classical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
while British citizens from 35-44 did not.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
39Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS academic The graphs below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
221 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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