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The graph below gives information about the number of visitors to three London museums between June and September 2013. v.2

The graph below gives information about the number of visitors to three London museums between June and September 2013. v. 2
The graph indicates how many people visited three London Museums in the year 2013, between June and September month. Overall, most visitors went to British museum compared to science and natural history museum. About 750 people visited British museum in July which is the highest while least went to science museum in the month of August. In detail, Around 600 people visited British Museum in June and increased dramatically to above 750 in July. The number slip back to 500 in August and rose gradually to about 650 in September. Despite of fluctuations the number followed increasing trend at the end of period. By contrast, Science and Natural History Museums followed decreasing trend at starting, however the value increased at the end of period. The number of people who visited Science Museum fell gradually to below 300 from 400 then it rose substantially in September. Likewise, Natural History Museum, there was a sharp drop in visitors from June to July. The number remained steadily in August and then increased consistently to 500 in September.
The graph indicates how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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people
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visited
three London
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Museums
in the year 2013, between June and September month.
Overall
, most visitors went to British
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museum
compared to
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science
and natural history
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museum
. About 750
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people
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visited
British
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museum
in July which is the highest while least went to
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science
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museum
in the month of August.

In detail, Around 600
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people
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visited
British
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Museum
in June and increased
dramatically
to above 750 in July. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
slip back to 500 in August and rose
gradually
to about 650 in September.
Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
fluctuations the
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number
followed increasing trend at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of period.

By contrast,
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Science
and Natural History
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Museums
followed decreasing trend at starting,
however
the value increased at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of period. The
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number
of
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people
who
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visited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museum
fell
gradually
to below 300 from 400 then it rose
substantially
in September.
Likewise
, Natural History
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Museum
, there was a sharp drop in visitors from June to July. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
remained
steadily
in August and then increased
consistently
to 500 in September.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
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IELTS academic The graph below gives information about the number of visitors to three London museums between June and September 2013. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
174 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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