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The graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home. v.2

The graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home. v. 2
The presented graph illustrates the electricity requisition in England during two different seasons, winter and summer. Meanwhile, the pie chart demonstrates how the electricity is utilised daily and to what quantity. In general, both in winter and summer, the electricity demand rises up from around 9: 00 am to about 23: 00 pm and the electricity in mainly spent for heating room and water. Looking at the detail, the electricity demand in summer is reckoned between 10, 000 – 20, 000 units. It goes to around 12, 000 before 9 am and slightly increases to around 20, 000 at 14 pm and relatively fluctuates until the rest of the day. However, in winter, the electricity requisition sets about 35, 000 units at 00 am and gradually spikes before it actually rises at 9 am and keeps the level swells until around 45, 000 units at 23 pm. Meanwhile, due to utilisation and quantity, heating room and water require the vast majority, 52%, of electricity using. This high proportion is related to the high electricity demand for these two appliances during winter. Whereas other kitchen and electronic devices, vacuum cleaners, food mixers and electronic tools amass lower proportion, 48%, than heating rooms and water.
The presented graph illustrates the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
requisition in England during two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
seasons,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
winter
and summer. Meanwhile, the pie chart demonstrates how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
is
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
daily and to what quantity.

In general
, both in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
winter
and summer, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
demand rises up from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
9: 00 am to about 23: 00 pm and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
in
mainly
spent for heating room and water.

Looking at the detail, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
demand in summer
is reckoned
between 10, 000 – 20, 000 units. It goes to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
12, 000
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
9 am and
slightly
increases to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
20, 000 at 14 pm and
relatively
fluctuates until the rest of the day.
However
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
winter
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
requisition sets about 35, 000 units at 00 am and
gradually
spikes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
it actually rises at 9 am and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
the level swells until
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
45, 000 units at 23 pm.

Meanwhile, due to
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilisation' is British English.
utilisation
and quantity, heating room and water require the vast majority, 52%, of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
using. This high proportion
is related
to the high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
demand for these two appliances during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
winter
. Whereas other kitchen and electronic devices, vacuum cleaners, food mixers and electronic tools amass lower proportion, 48%, than heating rooms and water.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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Nelson Mandela

IELTS academic The graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
203 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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