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The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web<strong>. </strong> v.4

The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web<strong>. </strong> v. 4
The given line graph compares the number of visitors in two new music-related websites for 15 days duration. As is observed from the graph, Pop Parade music sites got more visitors than the other website except for the 12th to 13th day. On an average, the Pop Parade got more hits from visitors than Music choice website. Initially, Pop Parade got 120 thousand visitors on day 1 while the Music choice got around 40 thousand visitors on the same day. For the first 1 week, the number of hits on Pop Parade site declined and reached to less than 40 thousand on day 7. On the other hand, Music choice’s visitor count fluctuated and reached to 20 thousand on day seven. After day 9, Pop Parade’s visitors increased dramatically and reached to over 140 thousand on day 11. While the hits on Music Choice website increased to 120 thousand on day 12. On the last three days, both of the websites got a good number of visitors. Finally, on day 15th, the Music choice website’s visitors’ number reached to around 80 thousand while that number reached to over 165 thousand for the other website. In conclusion, the Pop Parade had been more successful than the Music choice in terms of visitor count and both sites showed fluctuation on their visitor count.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
line graph compares the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
in two new music-related websites for 15 days duration. As
is observed
from the graph, Pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
sites
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
got
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
than the other
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website
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
the 12th to 13th day. On an average, the Pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
got
more hits from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choice
website.

Initially
, Pop
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Parade
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got
120 thousand
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visitors
on day 1 while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choice
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
got
around 40 thousand
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visitors
on the same day. For the
first
1 week, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of hits on Pop
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Parade
site declined and
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reached
to less than 40 thousand on day 7.
On the other hand
,
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Music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choice’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitor
count fluctuated and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reached
to 20 thousand on day seven. After day 9, Pop
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Parade’s
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visitors
increased
dramatically
and
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reached
to over 140 thousand on day 11.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
the hits on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Choice
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
website
increased to 120 thousand on day 12. On the last three days, both of the websites
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got
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
.
Finally
, on day 15th, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choice
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
website’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reached
to around 80 thousand while that
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number
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reached
to over 165 thousand for the other website.

In conclusion
, the Pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parade
had been more successful than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choice
in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitor
count and both sites
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
fluctuation on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitor
count.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
48Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS academic The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web<strong>. </strong> v. 4

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
221 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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