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The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web<strong>. </strong> v.1

The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web<strong>. </strong> v. 1
The graph exhibits the public interest of using two new music websites named Music Choice and Pop Parade in the period of 15 days’ time. According to the graph, the trends were totally unstable and have swung extremely. The statistics of Pop Parade shows the starting point of 120000 visitors on the first day and decreased during the following 7days with the minimum number of visitors of 40000 on the 7th day. The fluctuation of Music Choice website wasn’t as extreme as the Pop Parade in the first week. The Music Choice started with 40000 visitors in the 1st  day and the same number of visitors on the 7th day with small amount of changes during this week. In the 2nd week, both of the websites had the increasing interest of visitors i. e. Pop Parade reached to 140000 visitors on the 11th day and Music Choice reached to 120000 on the 12th day, and after some oscillations, the websites ended the 15 day period with 180000 and 80000 respectively. According to the chart, the rate of 180000 was the maximum of viewers that belongs to Pop Parade and Pop Parade has More public interest for the viewers altogether than the Music Choice within these two weeks.
The graph exhibits the public interest of using two new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
websites named
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Music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Choice
and Pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parade
in the period of 15 days’ time. According to the graph, the trends were
totally
unstable and have swung
extremely
.

The statistics of Pop
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Parade
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the starting point of 120000
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visitors
on the
first
day and decreased during the following 7days with the minimum number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
of 40000 on the 7th day. The fluctuation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Choice
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
website
wasn’t as extreme as the Pop
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Parade
in the
first
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week
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
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Music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Choice
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
with 40000
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visitors
in the 1st
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
day and the same number of
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visitors
on the 7th day with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
during this
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week
. In the 2nd
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week
, both of the websites had the increasing interest of
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visitors
There should be no space here: "i.e.".
i. e.
Pop
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Parade
reached to 140000
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visitors
on the 11th day and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Choice
reached to 120000 on the 12th day, and after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
oscillations, the websites ended the
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: "15-day"
15 day
period with 180000 and 80000
respectively
.

According to the chart, the rate of 180000 was the maximum of viewers that belongs to Pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parade
and Pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parade
has More public interest for the viewers altogether than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Choice
within these two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weeks
.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS academic The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web<strong>. </strong> v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
207 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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