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The graph below compares changes in the both rates of China and the US between 1920 and 2000. v.2

The graph below compares changes in the both rates of China and the US between 1920 and 2000. v. 2
The line chart reveals how the birth rates of China and America variated from 1920 to 2000. China’s birth rate increased from approximately 10% in 1920 to 15% in 1935. After that, Chinese birth rate dropped substantially to 5% in 1940 and 1945. This was followed by significant increase in birth rate to the peak of 20% in 1950. The latter half of century, however, brought a sustained decline in the rate. The US birth rate, meanwhile fluctuated between 11% and 13% before 1940, and it dropped sharply to 5% in 1945. The following five years, the rate increased exponentially to climax of 15% in 1950. After 1950, a steady fall of the rate can be observed. By way of conclusion, it is apparent that, both China and America had the similar fluctuation in birth rates, with lows during 1940s and highs during 1950s.
The line chart reveals how the
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birth
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rates
of China and America
Possible spelling mistake found.
variated
from 1920 to 2000.

China’s
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birth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
increased from approximately 10% in 1920 to 15% in 1935. After that, Chinese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
birth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
dropped
substantially
to 5% in 1940 and 1945. This
was followed
by significant increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
birth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
to the peak of 20% in 1950. The latter half of century,
however
, brought a sustained decline in the rate.

The US
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birth
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rate
, meanwhile fluctuated between 11% and 13%
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
1940, and it dropped
sharply
to 5% in 1945.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
following five years, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
increased
exponentially
to climax of 15% in 1950. After 1950, a steady fall of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
can
be observed
.

By way of conclusion, it is apparent that, both China and America had the similar fluctuation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
birth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
, with lows
The article is probably missing here: "during the 1940s".
during 1940s
and highs
The article is probably missing here: "during the 1950s".
during 1950s
.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
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IELTS academic The graph below compares changes in the both rates of China and the US between 1920 and 2000. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
144 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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