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The diagram below shows the results of a questionnaire showing how many times teenagers in Australia use an iPod in a week to play videos in 2009. v.2

The diagram below shows the results of a questionnaire showing how many times teenagers in Australia use an iPod in a week to play videos in 2009. v. 2
Given is the pie chart illustrating the survey of how often young Australians played videos on the iPod per week around 2009. It is clear from the graph that the majority of people not wanting to use this item for playing videos. By contrast, spending 6 to 10 times watching videos was the category receiving the least proportion. In 2009, the number of people who did not rely on the iPod for the purpose of playing videos was highest, at 51%, while the smallest proportion of 5% caused by 6 to 10 times weekly. Meanwhile, setting aside one time a week to use the iPod made up 14% during the researched time. While the percentage of Australians using the iPod twice time a week was 15%, users played videos on the iPod at 3 to 5 times and over 11 times weekly were negatively correlated, at only 9% and 6% respectively, which were significantly lower than the others.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
is the pie chart illustrating the survey of how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
young Australians played
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
on the iPod per week around 2009.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from the graph that the majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
not wanting to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this item for playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
. By contrast, spending 6 to 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
was the category receiving the least proportion.

In 2009, the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who did not rely on the iPod for the purpose of playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
was highest, at 51%, while the smallest proportion of 5% caused by 6 to 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
weekly. Meanwhile, setting aside one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
a week to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the iPod made up 14% during the researched time.

While the percentage of Australians using the iPod twice
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
a week was 15%, users played
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
on the iPod at 3 to 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
and over 11
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
weekly were
negatively
correlated, at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
9% and 6%
respectively
, which were
significantly
lower than the others.
0Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS academic The diagram below shows the results of a questionnaire showing how many times teenagers in Australia use an iPod in a week to play videos in 2009. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
158 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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