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The diagram below shows the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories. (Unpaid work refers to such activities as childcare in the home, housework and gardening. ) v.4

The diagram below shows the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories. (Unpaid work refers to such activities as childcare in the home, housework and gardening. ) v. 4
The given graph compares the average time spend on unpaid works per week by married men and married women having a different number of children. This nonpaid works mostly involve activities and tasks like cooking, cleaning, taking care of children, housework, and gardening. Now turning back to the details, women without children spend 30 hours per week on unpaid activities, while men, from this category, do around 18 hours unpaid tasks in seven days. It is noticeable that with the increasing number of children the unpaid working hours for women increase significantly while it remains almost the same for men. This difference between the duration of nonpaid household works done by men and women largely rises with the number of offsprings. Women do about 52 and 58 hours of unpaid activities respectively per week, while, men do fewer hours, approximately 18 and 16 hours a week. In conclusion, it is clear that women dedicate far time on unpaid work than men. In addition, the higher the number of offsprings, bigger the amount of work for women. However, it does not influence the average hours of men. In fact, it drops a little, as the number of children increases.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
graph compares the average time spend on unpaid works per week by married
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men
and married
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women
having a
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different
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number
of
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children
. This
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nonpaid
works
mostly
involve activities and tasks like cooking, cleaning, taking care of
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children
, housework, and gardening.

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Now
turning back to the
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details
,
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women
without
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children
spend 30
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hours
per week on unpaid activities, while
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men
, from this category, do around 18
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hours
unpaid tasks in seven days. It is noticeable that with the increasing
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number
of
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children
the unpaid working
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hours
for
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women
increase
significantly
while it remains almost the same for
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men
. This difference between the duration of
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nonpaid
household works done by
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men
and
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women
largely
rises with the
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number
of
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offsprings
.
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Women
do about 52 and 58
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hours
of unpaid activities
respectively
per week, while,
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men
do fewer
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hours
, approximately 18 and 16
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hours
a week.

In conclusion
, it is
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clear
that
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women
dedicate far time on unpaid
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work
than
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men
.
In addition
, the higher the
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number
of
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
, bigger the amount of
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work
for
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women
.
However
, it does not influence the average
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hours
of
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men
. In fact, it drops a
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little
, as the
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number
of
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children
increases.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS academic The diagram below shows the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories. (Unpaid work refers to such activities as childcare in the home, housework and gardening. ) v. 4

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
198 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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