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The charts show what Uk graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after college in 2008. v.2

The charts show what Uk graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after college in 2008. v. 2
The given charts give information about what students who were currently studying further and who already graduated did after finishing studying except for working full-time in the UK in 2008. For graduates, in 2008, studying further into a desired subject was the number one choice for various students with the number of 29665. Meanwhile, working voluntarily was not favored by many as only 3500 graduates chose to do. With 17735 students decided to be their destination, working part-time claimed the 2nd place, as 16235 students remained unemployed. A similar pattern happened to postgraduates. In 2008, 2725 people decided to spend their time on an academic path, making it the most popular choice, whereas only 345 postgraduates wanted to be volunteers. Short by 190 people, part-time work came in close 2nd compared to the graduates' proportion. At the same time, there were 1625 postgraduates decided not to do any of the worked listed above. Overall, for both graduates and postgraduates, further study was the most favorite choice while voluntary work remained unpopular.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
charts give information about what
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students
who were
currently
studying
further
and who already graduated did after finishing studying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
working full-time in the UK in 2008.

For
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graduates
, in 2008, studying
further
into a desired subject was the number one choice for various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with the number of 29665. Meanwhile, working
voluntarily
was not favored by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
3500
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graduates
chose to do. With 17735
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students
decided to be their destination, working part-time claimed the 2nd place, as 16235
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students
remained unemployed.

A similar pattern happened to
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postgraduates
. In 2008, 2725
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
decided to spend their time on an academic path, making it the most popular choice, whereas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
345
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
postgraduates
wanted to be volunteers. Short by 190
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, part-time work came in close 2nd compared to the
Possible spelling mistake found.
graduates&
#039; proportion. At the same time, there were 1625
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
postgraduates
decided not to do any of the worked listed above.

Overall
, for both
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graduates
and
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postgraduates
,
further
study was the most favorite choice while voluntary work remained unpopular.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS academic The charts show what Uk graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after college in 2008. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
171 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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