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The chart below shows the number of men and women (in thousand) in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time. v.2

The chart below shows the number of men and women (in thousand) in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time. v. 2
The bar charts compare the gender balance of students who participated in course of further enlightenment in educational institutions in Britain in three periods. All in all, the data differ significantly. As shown in the information of male learners, the number of full-time students was in a dominant position in 1970/71, standing at a staggering value of 1, 000, 000. After having plunged in the subsequent decade, the number rose slight to 900000 in 1990/91. Meanwhile, a gradual growth in number of part-time student had sustained over two decades resulting 200000 men was witnessed in this mode in 1990/91, which is one quarter of its full-time counterparts. Evidently, among the two types of courses picked by women, both witnessed an increase over the 20-year period. Increased from some 700000 to 800000 in 1980/91, the number of female learners in full-time education surged to over 1000000 in 1990/91. Likewise, with a considerable growth, part-time education saw a rise to 200000 in 1980/81, which is practically identical to the figure in the subsequent decade. Overall, at the time these data were recorded, the portion of full-time students was invariably outnumbering its part-time counterparts.
The bar charts compare the gender balance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who participated in course of
further
enlightenment in educational institutions in Britain in three periods. All in all, the data differ
significantly
.

As shown in the information of male learners, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
was in a dominant position in 1970/71, standing at a staggering value of 1, 000, 000. After having plunged in the subsequent decade, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
rose slight to 900000 in 1990/91. Meanwhile, a gradual growth in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
had sustained over two decades resulting 200000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
was witnessed
in this mode in 1990/91, which is one quarter of its full-time counterparts.

Evidently
, among the two types of courses picked by women, both witnessed an increase over the 20-year period. Increased from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
700000 to 800000 in 1980/91, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of female learners in full-time education surged to over 1000000 in 1990/91.
Likewise
, with a considerable growth, part-time education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a rise to 200000 in 1980/81, which is
practically
identical to the figure in the subsequent decade.

Overall
, at the time these data
were recorded
, the portion of full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
was
invariably
outnumbering its part-time counterparts.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS academic The chart below shows the number of men and women (in thousand) in further education in Britain in three periods and whether they were studying full-time or part-time. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
191 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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