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The charts show the percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world. v.2

The charts show the percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world. v. 2
The pie charts illustrate the amount of water consumed by three main purposes namely industrial use, agricultural use and domestic use in 6 different regions. Overall, the agricultural industry uses the largest amount of water in most countries surveyed; whereas the figure for domestic use contributes the least. Units are measured in percentages. In three areas namely Africa, Central Asia, and Southeast Asia, the amount of water used by agriculture is significantly large, above 80%. The figure is then followed by that of South America, accounts for 71%. Meanwhile, the percentage of water used by farming in North America and Europe is just over one-fourth of the total. The percentage of water used for industrial use contributes largely to two big developed areas, which are North America and Europe. The figure for the former is nearly half of the total, while that of the later is 5% higher, at 53%. The industrial field in the remaining regions does not consume much water, just around 5% to 12%. Finally, water consumption for domestic use accounts the least, below 15% in all areas shown.
The pie charts illustrate the amount of
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water
consumed by three main purposes
namely
industrial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
, agricultural
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
and domestic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in 6
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different
regions.

Overall
, the agricultural industry
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
the largest amount of
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water
in most countries surveyed; whereas the figure for domestic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
contributes the least. Units
are measured
in percentages.

In three areas
namely
Africa, Central Asia, and Southeast Asia, the amount of
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water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by agriculture is
significantly
large, above 80%. The figure is then followed by that of South America, accounts for 71%. Meanwhile, the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by farming in North America and Europe is
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just
over one-fourth of the total.

The percentage of
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water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for industrial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
contributes
largely
to two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
developed areas, which are North America and Europe. The figure for the former is
nearly
half of the total, while that of the
Did you mean "latter" (=the second of two items)?
later
is 5% higher, at 53%.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
industrial field in the remaining regions does not consume much
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water
,
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just
around 5% to 12%.
Finally
,
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water
consumption for domestic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
accounts the least, below 15% in all areas shown.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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Edward De Waal

IELTS academic The charts show the percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
182 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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