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The charts show the percentage of peple working in different sectors in Towns A and B in two years 1960 and 2010 v.2

The charts show the percentage of peple working in different sectors in Towns A and B in two years 1960 and 2010 v. 2
The pie charts compare the percentage of workers who work in different sectors between Towns A and B in 1960 and 2010. Overall, it is clear that in 1960, the sales was the sectors which attracted more employees than others in both Towns A and B. Nevertheless, there are many significantly changes being taken place after 50 years mainly in the manufacturing and the sales. In terms of the services, this sector accounted for 30% in Town A in 1960, compared to that of Town B, at only 20%. Besides, the percentage of workers who work in the sales was the highest in both Towns A and B in 1960, at 29% and 70%, respectively. In contrast, the lowest proportion in 1960 was the manufacturing, at only 29% in Town A and 10% in Town B. The human resource structure had many considerable alternations after 50 years. In 2010, while the percentage of people participating in the manufacturing significantly expanded up to 64% in Town A, that of Town B was at only 25%. However, a number of employees in Town B concentrated on the sales, which accounted for 53%, compared to 20% of Town A. Finally, 16% of workers in Town A took part in the service sector, which was lower than that of Town B by 6%
The pie charts compare the percentage of workers who work in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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sectors
between
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Towns
A and B in 1960 and 2010.

Overall
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that in 1960, the sales was the
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sectors
which attracted more employees than others in both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Towns
A and B.
Nevertheless
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
significantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
being taken
place after 50 years
mainly
in the manufacturing and the sales.

In terms of the services, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
accounted for 30% in
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Town
A in 1960, compared to that of
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Town
B, at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
20%.
Besides
, the percentage of workers who work in the sales was the highest in both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Towns
A and B in 1960, at 29% and 70%,
respectively
.
In contrast
, the lowest proportion in 1960 was the manufacturing, at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
29% in
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Town
A and 10% in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Town
B.

The human resource structure had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
considerable alternations after 50 years. In 2010, while the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
participating in the manufacturing
significantly
expanded up to 64% in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Town
A, that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Town
B was at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
25%.
However
, a number of employees in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Town
B concentrated on the sales, which accounted for 53%, compared to 20% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Town
A.
Finally
, 16% of workers in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Town
A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
took part
in the service
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
, which was lower than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Town
B by 6%
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
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IELTS academic The charts show the percentage of peple working in different sectors in Towns A and B in two years 1960 and 2010 v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
218 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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