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The charts below show the percentage of electricity consumed by di erent sectors in Eastern Australia in 2007 and 2010 v.1

The charts below show the percentage of electricity consumed by di erent sectors in Eastern Australia in 2007 and 2010 v. 1
The pie charts illustrate the proportion of electricity was used in eight different fields in Eastern Australia in two the year 2007 and 2010. Looking at the graph, it is immediately obvious that while the amount of electricity consumed by other metals experienced an increase, the opposite was true for Manufacturing and Aluminium. Additionally, the figures for residential and commercial were by far the largest. In 2007, residential areas spent 28% of total electricity, a little lower was 23% of electricity was expended for commercial purposes. There was 13% of the power consumed by manufacturing and aluminium, whereas the data for other metals and mining were slightly below, at 12% and 9% respectively. By contrast, electricity consumption from transport and agriculture made up only negligible figures. Over the three years ensuing, the percentage of electricity used by other metals rose insignificantly to 18%, while those of aluminium and manufacturing fields saw a slight decrease to 11% and 9% sequentially. Interesting, the rate of electricity consumed by the other sectors were all as similar as initial figures.
The pie charts illustrate the proportion of
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electricity
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in eight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields in Eastern Australia in two the year 2007 and 2010.

Looking at the graph, it is immediately obvious that while the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
consumed by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
metals experienced an increase, the opposite was true for Manufacturing and
Possible spelling mistake. 'Aluminium' is British English.
Aluminium
.
Additionally
, the figures for residential and commercial were by far the largest.

In 2007, residential areas spent 28% of total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
lower was 23% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
was expended
for commercial purposes. There was 13% of the power consumed by manufacturing and
Possible spelling mistake. 'aluminium' is British English.
aluminium
, whereas the data for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
metals and mining were
slightly
below, at 12% and 9%
respectively
. By contrast,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
consumption from transport and agriculture made up
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
negligible figures.

Over the three years ensuing, the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
metals rose
insignificantly
to 18%, while those of
Possible spelling mistake. 'aluminium' is British English.
aluminium
and manufacturing fields
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a slight decrease to 11% and 9%
sequentially
. Interesting, the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
consumed by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
sectors were all as similar as initial figures.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
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IELTS academic The charts below show the percentage of electricity consumed by di erent sectors in Eastern Australia in 2007 and 2010 v. 1

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
176 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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