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The charts below show what the business and engineering graduates of a particular university were doing six months after graduating. The figures cover a two-year period. v.1

The charts below show what the business and engineering graduates of a particular university were doing six months after graduating. The figures cover a two-year period. v. 1
The provided column graphs show what the graduates from business and engineering majors of a university were doing after half a year of their graduation- in two different years. A glance at the diagrams reveals that the majority of those graduates were doing jobs after six months of their course completion and this ratio was slightly higher for the engineering alumni. As can be seen from the given illustration, more than six business graduates out of ten of this university started working after six months of their graduation in year one and two while employed engineers' percentage at that time was around 75%. More business graduates continued higher education than engineering alumni in both years and the gap between these two groups was more or less 15%. Moreover, a higher percentage of business alumni took their time out, around 8% to be more precise, than the engineering graduates, who accounted for nearly 2%-3%  in this category. Finally, roughly one out of ten who completed their engineering degree was seeking for a job and their ratio was more than double than the business graduates who were also looking for a job. Interestingly, in the second year, a slightly higher percentage from both groups had jobs and a marginally fewer were enrolled in further studies than the first year.
The provided column graphs
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show
what the
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graduates
from
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business
and
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engineering
majors of a university were doing after half a
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year
of their graduation- in two
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different
years. A glance at the diagrams reveals that the majority of those
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graduates
were doing
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jobs
after six months of their course completion and this ratio was
slightly
higher for the
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engineering
alumni.

As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
illustration, more than six
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business
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graduates
out of ten of this university
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
working after six months of their graduation in
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year
one and two while employed engineers' percentage at that time was around 75%. More
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
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graduates
continued higher education than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engineering
alumni in both years and the gap between these two groups was more or less 15%.
Moreover
, a higher percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
alumni took their time out, around 8% to be more precise, than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engineering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
, who accounted for
nearly
2%-3%
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
in this category.
Finally
, roughly one out of ten who completed their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
engineering
degree was seeking for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and their ratio was more than double than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
who were
also
looking for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Interestingly
, in the second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
, a
slightly
higher percentage from both groups had
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and a
marginally
fewer
were enrolled
in
further
studies than the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS academic The charts below show what the business and engineering graduates of a particular university were doing six months after graduating. The figures cover a two-year period. v. 1

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
217 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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