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The table shows the proportions of pupils attending four secondary school types between 2000 and 2009. v.2

The table shows the proportions of pupils attending four secondary school types between 2000 and 2009. v. 2
The given table presents the percentages of students who chose four different schools in three different years in secondary level. As an overall trend, Voluntary-controlled Schools were the most popular among secondary level students in 2000 while Community Schools gained its popularity among the pupils in 2009. As can be seen, more than half of the secondary students attended Voluntary-controlled Schools in 2000 while Grammar Schools stood at the second position with 24% pupils. Remaining 24% students were split equally between Specialists Schools and Community Schools. After five years, almost one-third pupils joined Community Schools which showed a 20% increase, while 38% students went to Voluntary-controlled schools, making it still the first choice of the secondary students. The students’ participation decreased by 5% and 1% in Grammar Schools and Specialised Schools respectively in this year. Finally, in 2009, there was a hike in the percentage of pupils who attended Community School which made it the most popular school type in this year. The percentage of attendants of other three schools dropped and all of them managed to gain 42% students in this year with 20% in Voluntary-controlled schools and remaining 22% in other two school types. In summary,   Community Schools were preferred by most of the students in 2009 and Voluntary-controlled Schools were popular in 2005 but not in 2009.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
table presents the percentages of
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students
who chose four
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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schools
in three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
years in
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secondary
level. As an
overall
trend, Voluntary-controlled
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Schools
were the most popular among
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secondary
level
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students
in 2000 while
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Community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
gained its popularity among the
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pupils
in 2009.

As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
, more than half of the
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secondary
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students
attended Voluntary-controlled
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Schools
in 2000 while Grammar
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Schools
stood at the second position with 24%
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pupils
. Remaining 24%
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students
were split
equally
between Specialists
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Schools
and
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Community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
. After five years, almost one-third
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pupils
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
a 20% increase, while 38%
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students
went to Voluntary-controlled
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schools
, making it
still
the
first
choice of the
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secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. The
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students’
participation decreased by 5% and 1% in Grammar
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Schools
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'Specialised' is British English.
Specialised
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Schools
respectively
in this
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year
.
Finally
, in 2009, there was a hike in the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
who attended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
which made it the most popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
type in this
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year
. The percentage of attendants of other three
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schools
dropped and all of them managed to gain 42%
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students
in this
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year
with 20% in Voluntary-controlled
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schools
and remaining 22% in other two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
types.

In summary,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
were preferred
by most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in 2009 and Voluntary-controlled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
were popular in 2005
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not in 2009.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS academic The table shows the proportions of pupils attending four secondary school types between 2000 and 2009. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
221 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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