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The charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy. v.2

The charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy. v. 2
The pie charts depict the different contributing factors to make people happy between two age groups; under 30 and over 30. It is apparent that, people under 30 the physical appearances are important contributing factors to the happiness and travelling whereas over 30 years old people can feel happy by financial security and family factors. Meanwhile, achievement at work and hobbies remained at the highest contributing factors for the happiness for all age groups. About a fifth of people under 30 years old answered the physical appearances are one of the contributing factors to be happy as well as travel of 15% answered, whereas a quarter of people have chosen the financial security as the happiness factors and 14% of them chose as the family is the factors for the happiness. In contrast, similar rates of all age groups have responded the achievement at work as the prominent factors for happiness of 31% for under 30 and 32% for over 30, while hobbies contributed about 22% for under 30 and 24% for over 30 years old people.
The pie charts depict the
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different
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contributing
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factors
to
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make
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people
happy between two age groups; under 30 and
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over
30.

It is apparent that,
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people
under 30 the physical appearances are
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important
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contributing
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factors
to the
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happiness
and travelling whereas
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over
30 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can feel happy by financial security and family
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factors
. Meanwhile, achievement at work and hobbies remained at the highest
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contributing
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factors
for the
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happiness
for all age groups.

About a fifth of
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people
under 30 years
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old
answered the physical appearances are one of the
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contributing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
to be happy
as well
as travel of 15% answered, whereas a quarter of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have chosen the financial security as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
and 14% of them chose as the family is the
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factors
for the happiness.

In contrast
, similar rates of all age groups have responded the achievement at work as the prominent
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factors
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
of 31% for under 30 and 32% for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
30, while hobbies contributed about 22% for under 30 and 24% for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
30 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS academic The charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
177 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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