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The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. v.1

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. v. 1
The supplied bar graph compares different factors which affect the work performance of two different age group. As is presented as a result of a survey in the given bar chart, for both age groups, 18-30 and 45-60, team spirit affects work performance equivalently and that is little over 60%. The reason ' chance for personal development' works for the younger age group about 90% which is more than twice than the older age group. The similar scenario is true for the relaxing environment too and this reason affects more than 80% of the 18-30 age group workers and about only 30% of the 45-60 years workers. About 45% younger workers' work performance is affected by the job security compared to little over 20% older workers. The only case where 45-60 years workers are influenced more than their younger counterpart is 'respect from colleagues' which is about 50% for this age group workers in contrast to 40% (approximately ) for the 15-30 years age group. The promotional prospect is an important reason that drives younger employees to work better and this reason affects 80% younger workers compared to almost 45% aged job holders.   For the lower age group job satisfaction, work environment & money affects their job performance about 50%, 30% & about 75% consecutively compared to about 45%, 30% and 70% of 45-60 years job holders. In short, workers' job performance is highly affected by chance for personal development, team spirit, promotion prospects, job satisfaction and salary.
The supplied bar graph compares
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
factors which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affect
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
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performance
of two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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age
group.

As
is presented
as a result
of a survey in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
bar chart, for both
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
, 18-30 and 45-60, team spirit
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affects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
equivalently
and
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
over 60%. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
'
chance for personal development' works for the
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younger
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
about 90% which is more than twice than the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
. The similar scenario is true for the relaxing environment too and this
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reason
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affects
more than 80% of the 18-30
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
and about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
30% of the 45-60 years
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workers
. About 45%
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younger
workers'
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work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the
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job
security compared to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
over 20% older
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workers
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
case where 45-60 years
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workers
are influenced
more than their
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younger
counterpart is 'respect from colleagues' which is about 50% for this
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age
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group
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workers
in contrast
to 40% (approximately
Don't put a space before the closing parenthesis
)
for the 15-30 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
. The promotional prospect is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
that drives
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younger
employees to
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work
better and this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affects
80%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
compared to almost 45% aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
holders.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
For the lower
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
environment & money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
affects
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
about 50%, 30% & about 75%
consecutively
compared to about 45%, 30% and 70% of 45-60 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
holders.

In short, workers'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
performance
is
highly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by chance for personal development, team spirit, promotion prospects,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction and salary.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
52Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
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IELTS academic The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
249 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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