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The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. v.3

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. v. 3
The stipulated vertical bar chart depicts the outcome of a survey carried out by the personnel department of a major company and the survey was conducted among 18-35 and 45-60 age groups in order to show various elements that influence their job efficiency.   At a glance, money is the motivating factor among both age groups. To commence with, apparently, among both age groups of 18-35 and 45-60, team spirit motivates equal proportion of people that is 60%. Not only the chance for personal development but also the relaxed working environment is influenced youngsters about 90% and 80 % respectively which is twice than older age group. Surprisingly, competent boss and the job satisfaction have almost an equal proportion of workers satisfaction in both age groups. Apparently, job security only motivates 20 percent of elders whereas, it is among youngsters 40. Even though, 80% youngsters are motivated by promotion prospects, in the case of the old group, only 45% work for promotion. Interestingly, both age groups take money as the most equally encouraging factor to work with 75% while work environment was least with 30%. To conclude, youngsters give great value to chance for personal development at workplaces.
The stipulated vertical bar chart depicts the outcome of a survey carried out by the personnel department of a major
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and the survey
was conducted
among 18-35 and 45-60
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
various elements that influence their job efficiency.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
At a glance, money is the motivating factor among both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
groups.

To commence with,
apparently
, among both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
of 18-35 and 45-60, team spirit motivates equal proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that is
60%. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the chance for personal development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the relaxed working environment
is influenced
youngsters about 90% and 80 %
respectively
which is
Use "(twice)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
twice
than older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
.
Surprisingly
, competent boss and the job satisfaction have almost an equal proportion of workers satisfaction in both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
.
Apparently
, job security
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
motivates 20 percent of elders whereas, it is among youngsters 40.
Even though
, 80% youngsters
are motivated
by promotion prospects, in the case of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
45% work for promotion.
Interestingly
, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
take money as the most
equally
encouraging factor to work with 75% while work environment was least with 30%.

To conclude
, youngsters give great value to chance for personal development at workplaces.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS academic The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. v. 3

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
198 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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