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The charts below show the percentage of people aged 23-65 in different occupations in one UK town and the UK as a whole in 2008. v.2

The charts below show the percentage of people aged 23-65 in different occupations in one UK town and the UK as a whole in 2008. v. 2
The bar charts compare the proportion of population at the aged of 23 to 65 in different jobs in Ashby in the UK with the average percentage in the UK as a whole in 2008. Overall, people in the Ashby did all types of work popular in the UK at that time. Another interesting point is that while the number of people did technical work made the least proportion in the Ashby, this figure in the UK as a whole just stood behind office work which was the most popular in 2008. Looking at details, in 2008, the percentage of people earning living by office work contributed the highest part in the UK and ranked the second place in Ashby, at 19% and 18% in turn. There was a remarkable gap between the number of people did personal service in Ashby which reach the first place with 21% compared to 9% for technical work, meanwhile, this figures for those jobs are the same in the UK, at 17%. Similarly, in Ashby, 14% population did shop work which was nearly twice as higher as this figure for professional work, at 8%, while there was no significant change in the number of people who did this two works in the UK, at 13% and 14% respectively. However, both in Ashby and the UK all had the same proportion of people who was unemployed and did construction work, remained at around 15% and at 10% in turn.
The bar charts compare the proportion of population at the aged of 23 to 65 in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
jobs in Ashby in the UK with the average percentage in the UK as a whole in 2008.

Overall
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the Ashby did all types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
popular in the UK at that time. Another interesting point is that while the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
did technical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
made the least proportion in the Ashby, this figure in the UK as a whole
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
stood behind office
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
which was the most popular in 2008.

Looking at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, in 2008, the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
earning living by office
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
contributed the highest part in the UK and ranked the second place in Ashby, at 19% and 18% in turn. There was a remarkable gap between the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
did personal service in Ashby which reach the
first
place with 21% compared to 9% for technical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, meanwhile, this figures for those jobs are the same in the UK, at 17%.

Similarly
, in Ashby, 14% population did shop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
which was
nearly
twice as
Did you mean "high"?
higher
as this figure for professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, at 8%, while there was no significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who did this two works in the UK, at 13% and 14%
respectively
.
However
, both in Ashby and the UK all had the same proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
was unemployed
and did construction
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, remained at around 15% and at 10% in turn.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS academic The charts below show the percentage of people aged 23-65 in different occupations in one UK town and the UK as a whole in 2008. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
244 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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