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The two pie charts illustrates the proportion of male and females in employment that are divided into six different field of occupations and are equally divided to manual and non-manual category in Great Britain in the year 1992. v.2

The two pie charts illustrates the proportion of male and females in employment that are divided into six different field of occupations and are equally divided to manual and non-manual category in Great Britain in the year 1992. v. 2
The two pie charts illustrates the proportion of male and females in employment that were divided into six different field of occupations and are equally divided to manual and non-manual category in Great Britain in the year 1992. Overall, it was clear that for both sexes, the highest percentage accounted for managerial and professional occupation under non-manual category, while the least proportion for men and women works as general laborers under manual category. In the manual occupations, men and women had almost leveled out in the “other manual” occupations with over a quarter. In contrast, the percentage of crafts occupation for males were nearly a quarter and it had an eight-fold difference from the proportion of female group at only 3%. Then for general laborers, male were only higher with one percent compared to females at 2% and 1%, accordingly. For non-manual occupations, in the managerial and professional field, male were higher at more than a third compared to women which were only less than a third. But, for clerical or related jobs, women dominated at 31%, which was a quarter difference to the proportion of men. Apparently, other non-manual occupations, both sexes accounted for less than one in ten, having the female group higher by 3%.
The two pie charts illustrates the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in employment that
were divided
into six
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
Possible agreement error. The noun 'field' seems to be countable, so consider using: "fields".
field
of
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occupations
and are
equally
divided to manual and non-manual category in Great Britain in the year 1992.

Overall
, it was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that for both sexes, the highest percentage accounted for managerial and professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occupation
under non-manual category, while the least
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
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women
works as general laborers under manual category.

In the manual
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occupations
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
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women
had almost leveled out in the “other manual”
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occupations
with over a quarter.
In contrast
, the percentage of crafts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occupation
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
were
nearly
a quarter and it had an eight-fold difference from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
group at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
3%. Then for general laborers, male were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
higher with one percent compared to
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females
at 2% and 1%,
accordingly
.

For non-manual
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occupations
, in the managerial and professional field, male were higher at more than a third compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
which were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
less than a third.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, for clerical or related jobs,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
dominated at 31%, which was a quarter difference to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
Apparently
, other non-manual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occupations
, both sexes accounted for less than one in ten, having the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
group higher by 3%.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
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IELTS academic The two pie charts illustrates the proportion of male and females in employment that are divided into six different field of occupations and are equally divided to manual and non-manual category in Great Britain in the year 1992. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
207 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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