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The charts below show the numbers of men and women attending four evening classes in a secondary school in Britain and the percentage of these in 5 different age groups. v.2

The charts below show the numbers of men and women attending four evening classes in a secondary school in Britain and the percentage of these in 5 different age groups. v. 2
The bar graph compares the numbers of males and females who are taking evening courses at a particular British secondary school and the pie chart illustrates the age profile of these students. Overall, there are more women than men attending evening classes in one of Britain' s secondary schools. It is also noticeable that evening courses are more popular among older adults. According to the bar graph, drama, painting and language courses all attracted more females than men, while sculpture is the only class with a higher number of males, and is only taken by a small minority with 15 people in total. Language class has the most students overall, with 40 women and 20 men whereas painting is a popular choice among both genders attracting 30 females and around 25 males. There are 20 women in drama class which is 2 times higher than male participants. People who are attending the evening lessons are mostly 50 and above at 42%, followed by the age group of 40-49 with 26%. The middle age group represents 16 % of the total attendees, while younger adults are in minority, with only 11% of students aged 20-29 and a mere 5% of under 20.
The bar graph compares the numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
and females who are taking evening courses at a particular British secondary school and the pie chart illustrates the age profile of these students.

Overall
, there are more women than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
attending evening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
in one of
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Britain&
#039; s secondary schools. It is
also
noticeable that evening courses are more popular among older adults.

According to the bar graph, drama, painting and language courses all attracted more females than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, while sculpture is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
with a higher number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
, and is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
taken by a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
minority with 15
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in total. Language
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
has the most students
overall
, with 40 women and 20
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
whereas painting is a popular choice among both genders attracting 30 females and around 25
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
. There are 20 women in drama
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
which is 2 times higher than male participants.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who are attending the evening lessons are
mostly
50 and above at 42%, followed by the age group of 40-49 with 26%. The middle age group represents 16 % of the total attendees, while younger adults are in minority, with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
11% of students aged 20-29 and a mere 5% of under 20.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS academic The charts below show the numbers of men and women attending four evening classes in a secondary school in Britain and the percentage of these in 5 different age groups. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
201 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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