Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants. v.2

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants. v. 2
The figures illustrate the number of male and female students who attended four different evening courses at an adult education institution in 2009, and proportions of the attendances based on age. It is clear that there were more women than men in the drama, painting and languages classes, while in sculpture class men participants outnumbered the women. It can also be seen that the majority of the students were the senior people (aged 50 years and above), while the lowest was those whose aged below 20 years. It is noticed that in the language class, the number of female students had reached 40 people, which was twice as the population of the males. In the painting and drama class, populations of men’s students were accounted for around 25 and 10 people, which were lower than the women’s figure which stood at 30 and 20 people. As for the sculpture class, the number of men participants reached 10 people, while the women’s figure was halved of the men’s. Based on the age group, it is obvious that the highest proportion of the participants were the senior age people, accounted for approximately 42%. It was then followed by the figures of two middle age group (40-49 years and 30-39 years old) which stood at 26% and 16%. As for those who were between 20 and 29 years and below 20 years, their proportions were around 11% and 5% each respectively.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figures
illustrate the number of male and female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who attended four
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
evening courses at an adult education institution in 2009, and proportions of the attendances based on age.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that there were more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in the drama, painting and languages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
, while in sculpture
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
participants outnumbered the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. It can
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the majority of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
were the senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
(aged 50 years and above), while the lowest was those whose aged below 20 years.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
It
is noticed
that in the language
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, the number of female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
had reached 40
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which was twice as the population of the males. In the painting and drama
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, populations of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
were accounted
for around 25 and 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which were lower than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
which stood at 30 and 20
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. As for the sculpture
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
participants reached 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
was halved
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
’s.

Based on the age group, it is obvious that the highest proportion of the participants were the senior age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, accounted for approximately 42%. It was then followed by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figures
of two middle age group (40-49 years and 30-39 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
) which stood at 26% and 16%. As for those who were between 20 and 29 years and below 20 years, their proportions were around 11% and 5% each
respectively
.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
A man who knows two languages is worth two men.
French Proverb

IELTS academic The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
238 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts