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The chart shows the different levels of post school qualifications in Australia and the proportion of men and women who held them in 1999. v.2

The chart shows the different levels of post school qualifications in Australia and the proportion of men and women who held them in 1999. v. 2
The chart depicts the post qualifications in terms of the different levels of further education reached by men and women in Australia in 1999. Units are measured in percentage. Overall, skill vocational diploma, postgraduate diploma and master' s degree had been shown highest portion by females, while undergraduate diploma and bachelor' s degree percentage scored by males, however there were few fluctuations had by both genders. It is clear that, in Australia in 1999, the skill vocational diploma was being raised significantly by females, which was over 90%, before falling by 20% in postgraduate diploma which was almost equal men in undergraduate diploma (70%). Then about 60% of women studied in master' s degree but males 20% less interested in this education winch was 40%. In contrast, 70% of boys were being qualified more in undergraduate diploma but girls ratio was almost half of this percentage ( around 35%), and in Bachelor' s degree just 5% less than men. It is noticeable that, under 10% of the proportion seen by males qualified in skilled vocational diploma.
The chart depicts the post qualifications in terms of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
levels of
further
education reached by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women in Australia in 1999. Units
are measured
in percentage.

Overall
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
vocational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diploma
, postgraduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diploma
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
master&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
had
been shown
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
portion by females, while undergraduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diploma
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
bachelor&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
percentage scored by males,
however
there were few fluctuations had by both genders.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that, in Australia in 1999, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
vocational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diploma
was
being raised
significantly
by females, which was over 90%,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
falling by 20% in postgraduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diploma
which was almost equal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in undergraduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diploma
(70%). Then about 60% of women studied in
Possible spelling mistake found.
master&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
males 20% less interested in this education winch was 40%.

In contrast
, 70% of boys were
being qualified
more in undergraduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diploma
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
girls ratio was almost half of this percentage
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
around 35%), and in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bachelor&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
5% less than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
. It is noticeable that, under 10% of the proportion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
by males qualified in skilled vocational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diploma
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS academic The chart shows the different levels of post school qualifications in Australia and the proportion of men and women who held them in 1999. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
176 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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