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The chart below shows the different levels of post-school qualifications in Australia and the proportion of men and women who held them in 1999. v.2

The chart below shows the different levels of post-school qualifications in Australia and the proportion of men and women who held them in 1999. v. 2
The bar chart compares post-school educational attainment among men and women in Australia in 1999. As a whole, men were ahead of women in terms of their highest educational qualifications in Australia, and three out of five types of post-school educational qualifications, namely - post-graduate diploma, skilled vocational diploma and masters degree, were mostly attended by men. In details, those who had a post-graduate diploma and Master's degree were dominated by 70% and 60% men respectively. The ratio of women who had post-graduation qualification was much lower. Another important aspect of the graph is that there was a remarkable number of men, 90%, who took up a 'skilled vocational diploma course' which left women to only just a tenth. Since men continued their education and achieved post-graduate qualifications, females with an undergraduate diploma much outweighed the ratio of males. Finally, the proportion of male whose highest education was a bachelor's degree was about 45%, whereas the females' ratio was somewhat more than that.
The bar chart compares post-school educational attainment among
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men
and
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women
in Australia in 1999.

As a whole,
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men
were ahead of
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women
in terms of their highest educational
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qualifications
in Australia, and three out of five types of post-school educational
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qualifications
,
namely
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
post-graduate
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diploma
, skilled vocational
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diploma
and
For an academic degree, use "master’s".
masters
degree, were
mostly
attended by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

In
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details
, those who had a post-graduate
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diploma
and Master's degree
were dominated
by 70% and 60%
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men
respectively
. The ratio of
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women
who had post-graduation
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qualification
was much lower. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect of the graph is that there was a remarkable number of
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men
, 90%, who took up a 'skilled vocational
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diploma
course' which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
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women
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
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just
a tenth. Since
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men
continued their education and achieved post-graduate
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qualifications
, females with an undergraduate
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diploma
much outweighed the ratio of males.
Finally
, the proportion of male whose highest education was a bachelor's degree was about 45%, whereas the females' ratio was somewhat more than that.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS academic The chart below shows the different levels of post-school qualifications in Australia and the proportion of men and women who held them in 1999. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
163 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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