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The chart show the percentage of males and females who were overweight in Australia from 1980 to 2010 v.2

The chart show the percentage of males and females who were overweight in Australia from 1980 to 2010 v. 2
The bar chart illustrates the comparison of two sexes with obesity in Australia over the period from 1980 to 2010 in terms of percentage. Overall, the number of men do no overweight women by a significant margin. While both modes were relatively similar between the sexes, there was some variance, especially in male with huge weight percentage, when it decreased throughout the period between 2000 and the next decade. Evidently, the proportion of women has been increasing and almost reaching the same proportion of fat men, as this tendency decreased in the second sex, which was mentioned. With regards to female fraction who faced the obesity, the general level greatly increased by approximately 15% from 30 to 45% in year 1990 and after the slight rise in the next decade ithas been remained relatively stable by the year 2010. The percentage of fat males in australia fluctuated over the period, however, the trajectory was more consistent rising sharply in the first three decades from 40 to 65%, by 25%. Meanwhile, the last part of the period has seen the gentle decline by 5% to 60%.
The bar chart illustrates the comparison of two sexes with obesity in Australia over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
from 1980 to 2010 in terms of percentage.

Overall
, the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
do no overweight women by a significant margin. While both modes were
relatively
similar between the sexes, there was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
variance,
especially
in male with huge weight percentage, when it decreased throughout the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
between 2000 and the
next
decade.
Evidently
, the proportion of women has been increasing and almost reaching the same proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, as this tendency decreased in the second sex, which
was mentioned
.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
female fraction who faced the obesity, the general level
greatly
increased by approximately 15% from 30 to 45% in year 1990 and after the slight rise in the
next
decade
Possible spelling mistake found.
ithas
been remained
relatively
stable by the year 2010.

The percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
males in
Possible spelling mistake found.
australia
fluctuated over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
,
however
, the trajectory was more consistent rising
sharply
in the
first
three decades from 40 to 65%, by 25%. Meanwhile, the last part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
the gentle decline by 5% to 60%.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS academic The chart show the percentage of males and females who were overweight in Australia from 1980 to 2010 v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
185 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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