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The chart indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US. Describe the main feature of the chart and make comparison where relevant v.2

The chart indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US. Describe the main feature of the chart and make comparison where relevant v. 2
The given bar chart illustrates the annual number of men and women of 3 age groups who suffer from heart attacks in the USA. Generally, the older people are, the higher risk of heart attacks they have. In addition, in all age group, men are more vulnerable to the disease than women, reflecting in the their higher number of patients in all age group. Turning to the detail, in the age group of 29 to 44, 123 thousand male patients have heart attack, while the figure for women is only 3 thousand. Regarding to the age group from 45 to 64, there are 424 thousand men who undergo heart attacks, while the similar medical situation was witnessed in a three-time lower frequency in women, with 136 thousand cases. When people turn to older than 65 years old, the risk of heart attack reaches the highest point. To be more specific, number of cases suffered by both male and female person upsurge, at 440 and 374 thousand, respectively.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
bar chart illustrates the annual number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
of 3
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
who suffer from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attacks
in the USA.

Generally
, the older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are, the higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attacks
they have.
In addition
, in all
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age
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group
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are more vulnerable to the disease than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
, reflecting in
A determiner cannot combine with a possessive pronoun. Did you mean simply "their higher" or "the higher"?
the their higher
number of patients in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group.

Turning to the detail, in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of 29 to 44, 123 thousand male patients have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
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attack
, while the figure for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
is
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only
3 thousand.
The phrase 'Regarding to' is not correct. Use "Regarding" or "regard to".
Regarding to
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
from 45 to 64, there are 424 thousand
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
who undergo
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attacks
, while the similar medical situation
was witnessed
in a three-time lower frequency in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
, with 136 thousand cases.

When
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
turn to older than 65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attack
reaches the highest point. To be more specific, number of cases suffered by both male and female person upsurge, at 440 and 374 thousand,
respectively
.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS academic The chart indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US. Describe the main feature of the chart and make comparison where relevant v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
167 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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