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The chart below shows information about Heart Attacks by Ages and Genders in the USA. v.1

The chart below shows information about Heart Attacks by Ages and Genders in the USA. v. 1
The presented chart compares the number of people having heart attacks per year in the USA with respect to their age groups and genders. As is observed from the chart, the tendency of males to have a heart attack is higher than that of females in all age groups. It is apparent that the young age group which involves people aged from 29 to 44 has the lowest rate of heart attacks per year in the USA. On average, 123 thousand men and 3 thousand women have heart attacks every year. However, the middle age group which consists of people aged between 45 and 64 has a significantly higher possibility to have a heart attack. 424 thousand males, on average, have heart attacks every year. On the contrary women’s heart attack incidents are recorded as on 136 thousand per year from the same age group of Americans. The oldest age group constitutes the highest rates of heart attacks. Heart attacks among males are averaged as 440 thousand whereas female hear attacks are 374 thousand per year. Unlike the other age groups, the gap between male and female are largely covered in this age group. In conclusion, as people get older the risk of having heart attack increases, however in young ages men are more prone to a have a heart attack than of women.
The presented chart compares the number of
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people
having
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heart
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attacks
per
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year
in the USA with respect to their
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age
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groups
and genders. As
is observed
from the chart, the tendency of
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males
to have a
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heart
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attack
is higher than that of females in all
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age
groups.

It is apparent that the young
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age
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group
which involves
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people
aged from 29 to 44 has the lowest rate of
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heart
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attacks
per
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year
in the USA. On average, 123 thousand
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men
and 3 thousand women have
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heart
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attacks
every
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year
.
However
, the middle
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age
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group
which consists of
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people
aged between 45 and 64 has a
significantly
higher possibility to have a
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heart
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attack
. 424 thousand
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males
, on average, have
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heart
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attacks
every
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year
.
On the contrary
women’s
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heart
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attack
incidents
are recorded
as on 136 thousand per
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year
from the same
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age
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group
of Americans.

The oldest
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age
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group
constitutes the highest rates of
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heart
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attacks
.
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Heart
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attacks
among
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males
are averaged
as 440 thousand whereas female
Did you mean "heart" (=muscular organ)?
hear
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attacks
are 374 thousand per
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year
. Unlike the other
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age
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groups
, the gap between male and female are
largely
covered in this
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age
group.

In conclusion
, as
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of having
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heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attack
increases,
however
in young
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ages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are more prone to a have a
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heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attack
than of women.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
51Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
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IELTS academic The chart below shows information about Heart Attacks by Ages and Genders in the USA. v. 1

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
224 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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