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The chart below shows information about Heart Attacks by Ages and Genders in the USA. v.2

The chart below shows information about Heart Attacks by Ages and Genders in the USA. v. 2
The given chart shows data on the number of the US people who suffer from heart attack dividing them into three age groups. As is observed from the given information, men have more heart attack rates than female and both men and women over 65 years old are prone to heart attack than younger age groups. Men have more heart attach rates than women in all age groups. Firstly, 123 thousand men suffer from heart attacks compared to the 3 thousand female who fall under the 29 to 44 age group. Again, among the 45 to 64 years group, more than 400 thousand men have had heart attacks and this number is almost three times higher than the rate among female of this age group. Finally, US people over 65 years old suffer from heart attacks more than other two age groups and that exceeds 300 thousand for female and 400 thousand for men. Women in 65+ age group suffer from heart attacks significantly more than other age groups. In conclusion, more American men suffer from heart attacks than women and this rate is higher among the people over 65 years old.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
data on the number of the US
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
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suffer
from
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heart
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attack
dividing them into three
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
. As
is observed
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
information,
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men
have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attack
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
and both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
over 65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
are prone to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attack
than younger
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age
groups.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Men
have more
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heart
attach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in all
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
.
Firstly
, 123 thousand
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men
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suffer
from
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heart
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attacks
compared to the 3 thousand
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female
who fall under the 29 to 44
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age
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group
. Again, among the 45 to 64 years
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group
, more than 400 thousand
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men
have had
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heart
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attacks
and this number is almost three times higher than the
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rate
among
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female
of this
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
.
Finally
, US
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
over 65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
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suffer
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
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attacks
more than other two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
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groups
and that exceeds 300 thousand for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
and 400 thousand for
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men
.
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Women
in 65+
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
suffer
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attacks
significantly
more than other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
groups.

In conclusion
, more American
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
suffer
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attacks
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
is higher among the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
over 65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
55Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS academic The chart below shows information about Heart Attacks by Ages and Genders in the USA. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
192 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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