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the chart below shows the total of volume of telephone calls ( in million minutes) in Denmark, devided into three categories, from 1995 to 2004 v.2

the chart below shows the total of volume of telephone calls ( in million minutes) in Denmark, devided into three categories, from 1995 to 2004 v. 2
The presented line chart provides the number of telephone calls which were calculated in million minutes in Denmark during nine years and it were also divided into 3 groups, namely national landline, international landline and mobile. In general, there are different trends in 3 categories. While the total of telephone calls by international landline and mobile increased, one by national landline decreased comparing to the first year. Firstly, in 1995, national landline’s telephone calls accounted for 12 million minutes, more than 11 million minutes mobile’s telephone calls. From 1995 to 2000, both of Denmark’s telephone calls by national landline and mobile experienced a moderate rise, at above 16 and 3 million minutes respectively. After that, there were a slight drop in the number of telephone calls by national landline, at 15 million minutes in 2002. By contrast, that of by mobile shooted tremendously up 6 million minutes. In the last three years, while the total of mobile’s telephone calls reached at peak 20 million minutes, the time which people use national landline to call decline huge to under 10 million minutes. In term of the number of time people use international landline to communicate, it made up 6 million minutes in 1995. Then, having climbed slightly during 9 years and stood at 8 million mintutes in 2004.
The presented line chart provides the number of
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telephone
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calls
which
were calculated
in
Use "a million" or use a number before 'million'.
million
minutes in Denmark during nine years and it were
also
divided into 3 groups,
namely
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national
landline, international landline and mobile.

In general
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
trends in 3 categories. While the total of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
by international landline and mobile increased, one by
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national
landline decreased comparing to the
first
year.

Firstly
, in 1995,
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national
landline’s
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telephone
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calls
accounted for 12
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million
minutes, more than 11
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million
minutes mobile’s
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telephone
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calls
. From 1995 to 2000, both of Denmark’s
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telephone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
by
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national
landline and mobile experienced a moderate rise, at above 16 and 3
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million
minutes
respectively
. After that, there were a slight drop in the number of
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telephone
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calls
by
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national
landline, at 15
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million
minutes in 2002. By contrast, that of by mobile
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "shot", the past tense form of the verb 'shoot'?
shooted
tremendously
up 6
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million
minutes. In the last three years, while the total of mobile’s
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telephone
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calls
reached at peak 20
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million
minutes, the time which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
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national
landline to
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call
decline huge to under 10
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million
minutes.

In term of the number of time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
international landline to communicate, it made up 6
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million
minutes in 1995. Then, having climbed
slightly
during 9 years and stood at 8
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million
Possible spelling mistake found.
mintutes
in 2004.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS academic the chart below shows the total of volume of telephone calls ( in million minutes) in Denmark, devided into three categories, from 1995 to 2004 v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
217 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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