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The graphs below show the number of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the republic of Freedonia. v.2

The graphs below show the number of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the republic of Freedonia. v. 2
The provided line graph give information on a discrepancy between the number of male and female laborers in different sectors in Freedonia in two years: 1975 and 1995. As can be seen, initially, in 1975 men dominated in all given employment sectors; the discrepancy ranged from 20 people in communication sector to nearly 400 people in manufacturing. Then, 20 years later women outnumbered their counterparts in communication and trading; nevertheless, male employees remained dominant in most sectors. Interestingly, in such spheres as manufacturing and non-defence public sector the gap had been unaltered (the discrepancy was nearly 400 people and 200 people respectively). In contrast in other sectors the gap was reduced significantly. Overall, the gap between the number of male and female employees remained unchanged in some sectors in Freedonia for 20 years; however, the discrepancy in gender in most sectors was decreased minimising the gap; even women became dominant in the some sectors.
The provided line graph give information on a
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discrepancy
between the number of male and female laborers in
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different
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sectors
in
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Freedonia
in two years: 1975 and 1995.

As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
,
initially
, in 1975
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men
dominated in all
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given
employment
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sectors
; the
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discrepancy
ranged from 20
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people
in communication
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sector
to
nearly
400
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people
in manufacturing. Then, 20 years later women outnumbered their counterparts in communication and trading;
nevertheless
, male employees remained dominant in most
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sectors
.
Interestingly
, in such spheres as manufacturing and
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non-defence
public
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sector
the
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gap
had
been unaltered
(the
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discrepancy
was
nearly
400
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people
and 200
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people
respectively
). In
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contrast
in other
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sectors
the
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gap
was
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reduced
significantly
.

Overall
, the
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gap
between the number of male and female employees remained unchanged in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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sectors
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Freedonia
for 20 years;
however
, the
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discrepancy
in gender in most
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sectors
was decreased
Possible spelling mistake. 'minimising' is British English.
minimising
the
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gap
; even women became dominant in the
Did you mean "same"?
some
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sectors
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS academic The graphs below show the number of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the republic of Freedonia. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
154 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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