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The chart below shows the proportion of businesses making e-commerce purchases by industry in Great Britain between 2008 and 2012. v.2

The chart below shows the proportion of businesses making e-commerce purchases by industry in Great Britain between 2008 and 2012. v. 2
The chart illustrates the proportion of company' s purchasing in the internet by diverse industries in Great britain. It compares changes in the period from year 2008 to year 2012. Overall, all businesses purchases outnumbered each other in different years by a significant margin. While two of them consistently increase, other three have more difficult trajectory, seeing both rises and falls. Until 2012 e-commerce purchases in construction and wholesale increased gradually, almost threefold and at 40%, from 22 to 55% and approximately 41 to 60% respectively. Consequently, the most significant rise in company buying in the internet in britain has seen in construction. There was no other significant consistent increases. In contrast, both e-commerce purchases by retail, info and comms have almost no changes, only slightly growths the and then decreases; meanwhile business buying by manufacturing fluctuated over the period, from about 32 to 58% and, as a result, increasing almost twofold. Whilst retail started to make more their internet buying in 2009, rising from 32 in the year 2008 to 50%, continuing slightly grow in future years. In general, most of e-commerce purchases made info and comms business in 2011, that is about 74%.
The chart illustrates the proportion of
Possible spelling mistake found.
company&
#039; s purchasing
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the internet".
in the internet
by diverse industries in
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Great britain
. It compares
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the period from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2008 to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2012.

Overall
, all businesses
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
purchases
outnumbered each other in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
years by a significant margin. While two of them
consistently
increase, other three have more difficult trajectory, seeing both rises and falls.

Until 2012 e-commerce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
purchases
in construction and wholesale increased
gradually
, almost threefold and at 40%, from 22 to 55% and approximately 41 to 60%
respectively
.
Consequently
, the most significant rise in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
buying
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the internet".
in the internet
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
britain
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in construction.

There was no other significant consistent increases.
In contrast
, both e-commerce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
purchases
by retail, info and
Possible spelling mistake found.
comms
have almost no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
slightly
growths the and then decreases; meanwhile business buying by manufacturing fluctuated over the period, from about 32 to 58% and,
as a result
, increasing almost twofold. Whilst retail
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more their internet buying in 2009, rising from 32 in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2008 to 50%, continuing
slightly
grow in future years.
In general
,
Consider using "most e-commerce" or "most of the e-commerce".
most of e-commerce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
purchases
made info and
Possible spelling mistake found.
comms
business in 2011,
that is
about 74%.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS academic The chart below shows the proportion of businesses making e-commerce purchases by industry in Great Britain between 2008 and 2012. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
195 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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