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The chart below shows the percentage of school leavers entering higher education ie colleges and universities and graduate earnings 1 year after graduation v.2

The chart below shows the percentage of school leavers entering higher education ie colleges and universities and graduate earnings 1 year after graduation v. 2
The bar charts compare the proportion of student’s earnings after one year graduation in two different years and there is shown the percentage of high-school leavers who entered to higher education such as colleges and universities. Overall, it can be seen that in 2007 there were twice more students who entered to the higher education than in 1987 and that in 2007 unemployed rate among graduates decreased steadily compared to 1987. In 1987, 14% of high-school graduates entered to the higher education, but for the next ten years the percentage rose exponentially to 35%. 46% of high-education graduates earned more than national average in 1987 then there was a very slight growth to 47% after two decades. Graduates from high education who earned less than the national average accounted for 25% in 1987 then, for the following 20 years the percentage increased by 20% Graduates from high education with earnings more than double the national average and who were unemployed comprised of 18% and 11% respectively in 1987. After a period of twenty years unemployed rate decreased significantly to 3%. And graduates who earned double more than the national average experienced an exponential decline to 5% in 2007.
The bar charts compare the proportion of student’s earnings after one
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year
graduation in two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
years and there
is shown
the percentage of high-school leavers
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who
entered to higher
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education
such as colleges and universities.

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that in 2007 there were twice more students
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who
entered to the higher
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education
than in 1987 and that in 2007 unemployed rate among
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graduates
decreased
steadily
compared to 1987.

In 1987, 14% of high-school
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graduates
entered to the higher
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education
,
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but
for the
next
ten years the percentage rose
exponentially
to 35%.

46% of high-education
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graduates
earned more than
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national
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average
in 1987 then there was a
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very
slight growth to 47% after two decades.
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Graduates
from high
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education
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who
earned less than the
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national
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average
accounted for 25% in 1987 then, for the following 20 years the percentage increased by
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20% Graduates
from high
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education
with earnings more than double the
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national
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average
and
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who
were unemployed
comprised of 18% and 11%
respectively
in 1987.
“After” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
After
a period of twenty years unemployed rate decreased
significantly
to 3%. And
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graduates
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who
earned double more than the
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national
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average
experienced an exponential decline to 5% in 2007.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
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IELTS academic The chart below shows the percentage of school leavers entering higher education ie colleges and universities and graduate earnings 1 year after graduation v. 2

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
198 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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