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the chart below shows the amount of time that 10 to 15 year old spend chatting on the internet and playing on games consoles on an average school day in the UK. v.1

the chart below shows the amount of time that 10 to 15 year old spend chatting on the internet and playing on games consoles on an average school day in the UK. v. 1
The bar chart compares the proportions of time which both British boys and girls aged 10 to 15 spend on chatting online and handheld consoles at school. Overall, school boys and schoolgirls prefer playing game consoles than chatting on the Internet. Additionally, while playing games is boys’ favorite, more girls love chatting online. It can be seen from the chart that there is a vast majority of them playing consoles at school, which is about 30% higher than those prefer chatting on the internet, account for 85% in total. The number of boys spending more than an hour on chatting is approximately 30%, just about a half of them playing consoles with the same amount of time. Almost two-third of schoolgirls chat online at school, compared with just over a half of them spend on games. Most of them tend to spend more than one hour on chatting, with 45% while the figure for consoles games is only about 15%. To be specific, while there is a mere 1% engage with games for more than 4 hours, that of girls chatting is at more than 10%.
The bar chart compares the proportions of time which both British
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
and girls aged 10 to 15 spend on
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chatting
online and handheld
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consoles
at school.

Overall
, school
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boys
and schoolgirls prefer
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playing
game
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consoles
than
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chatting
on the Internet.
Additionally
, while
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playing
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games
is
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boys’
favorite, more girls
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chatting
online.

It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the chart that there is a vast majority of them
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playing
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consoles
at school, which is about 30% higher than those prefer
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chatting
on the internet, account for 85% in total. The number of
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boys
spending more than an hour on
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chatting
is approximately 30%,
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just
about a half of them
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playing
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consoles
with the same amount of time.

Almost two-third of schoolgirls chat online at school, compared with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over a half of them spend on
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games
. Most of them tend to spend more than one hour on
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chatting
, with 45% while the figure for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consoles
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
about 15%. To be specific, while there is a mere 1% engage with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for more than 4 hours, that of girls
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chatting
is at more than 10%.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS academic the chart below shows the amount of time that 10 to 15 year old spend chatting on the internet and playing on games consoles on an average school day in the UK. v. 1

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
186 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
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