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Bar chart: the percentage of boys, girls and all for chatting on the internet and playing on games console. v.2

Bar chart: the percentage of boys, girls and all for chatting on the internet and playing on games console. v. 2
The figure elucidates the percentage of males, females and both genders in two different aspects. At first glance, it is evident that the boys are dominant in playing on games’ console where the girls are dominant in chatting on the internet. To begin with the boys, the number of men who played this game is higher rather than women and both genders and it approximately achieved to well beneath 9 in 10. Nevertheless, the males’ percentages for chatting on the internet has become the lowest groups in which it merely has just above a half. In contrast, females have a different pattern with males in which it becomes the highest group for chatting on the internet, which made up at just under seven-tenths, and it also be the lowest group for playing on games’ console, which constituted at just over five-tenths. In accordance with both gender percentages, it became the second rank in these two different aspects where it has around 60 to 62 per cent for chatting on the internet and about well beyond three-fifths for playing games.
The figure elucidates the percentage of males, females and both genders in two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects. At
first
glance, it is evident that the boys are dominant in playing on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games’
console where the girls are dominant in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chatting
on the internet.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the boys, the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
who played this game is higher
rather
than women and both genders and it approximately achieved to well beneath 9 in 10.
Nevertheless
, the males’ percentages for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chatting
on the internet has become the lowest groups in which it
merely
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above a half.

In contrast
, females have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
pattern with males in which it becomes the highest group for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chatting
on the internet, which made up at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under seven-tenths, and it
also
Did you mean "is"?
be
the lowest group for playing on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games’
console, which constituted at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over five-tenths. In accordance with both gender percentages, it became the second rank in these two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects where it has around 60 to 62 per cent for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chatting
on the internet and about well beyond three-fifths for playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS academic Bar chart: the percentage of boys, girls and all for chatting on the internet and playing on games console. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
179 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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