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The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013. v.2

The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013. v. 2
The chart presents changes in the number of mobile phone sold in the top five company brands over 4 years from 2009 to 2013. In term of Sam Sung and Apple brands, there were an up ward trend of selling phone over the period shown. At the start of the period, with around 240 millions Sam Sung phone was sold in 2009. This figure rose significantly to 450 millions phone to become the highest of all in 2013. While only around 20 millions Apple phone in 2009. This rate grew gradually to 150 millions phone in 2013. When it come to Nokia and LG brands, there were an downward trend of using phone from 2009 to 2013. In 2009, Nokia brands was the most popular phone in the world with around 450 millions phone. This rate decreased slightly to 420 millions phone in 2011 before falling sharply to 250 millions in 2013. Standing at much lower of popular phone used, there was 120 millions LG phone using in 2009, this proportion went down steadly to 70 millions in 2009. Around 50 million ZTE phone was sold in 2009, this brands increased slightly to 60 millons phone purchasing to become the lowest of all in 2013.
The chart presents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the number of mobile
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phone
sold in the top five
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
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brands
over 4 years from 2009 to 2013.

In term of Sam Sung and Apple
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brands
, there were an up ward trend of selling
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phone
over the period shown. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
of the period, with
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around
240
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millions
Sam Sung
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phone
was sold
in 2009. This figure rose
significantly
to 450
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millions
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
to become the highest of all in 2013.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
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around
20
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millions
Apple
The singular proper name 'Apple' must be used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "phones", "phoned".
phone
in 2009. This rate grew
gradually
to 150
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millions
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
in 2013.

When it
Did you mean "comes"?
come
to Nokia and LG
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brands
, there were
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
downward trend of using
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phone
from 2009 to 2013. In 2009, Nokia
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brands
was the most popular
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phone
in the world with
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around
450
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millions
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phone
. This rate decreased
slightly
to 420
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millions
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phone
in 2011
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before
falling
sharply
to 250
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millions
in 2013. Standing at much lower of popular
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phone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
, there was 120
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millions
LG
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phone
using in 2009, this proportion went down
Possible spelling mistake found.
steadly
to 70
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millions
in
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2009. Around
50
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million
Possible spelling mistake found.
ZTE
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phone
was sold
in 2009, this
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brands
increased
slightly
to 60
Possible spelling mistake found.
millons
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phone
purchasing to become the lowest of all in 2013.
0Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS academic The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
205 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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