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The bar chart below shows the percentage of population playing ten top sports in Canada in 1998 and 2005. v.2

The bar chart below shows the percentage of population playing ten top sports in Canada in 1998 and 2005. v. 2
The bar chart compares the proportion of the Canadian who took part in ten most popular sports in two separate years 1998 and 2005. It is clear from the given chart that golf was by far the most attractive sport. The most significant change was seen in baseball after 7 years period, while others saw a minor ones. In 1998, nearly 22 per cent of Cacada residents chose to play golf, which was considerably higher than the rest sports, followed by a slight rise to 23 per cent in 2005. This upward trend also saw in cycling and soccer, which players increased to 6 per cent and 10 per cent, respectively in the final year surveyed. Baseball witnessed the largest gap between two years in terms of people joining this sport, which approximately a half of those players fell after 7 years. Ice hockey, similarly, although attracted almost 18 per cent population in 1998, saw a downward tendency to around 17 per cent in 2005. The percentage of those people were involved in the rest of top ten sports also reduced by about a mere 2 per cent after 7 years period surveyed, namely tennis, downhill skiing, volleyball, basketball, and swimming.
The bar chart compares the proportion of the Canadian who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
took part
in ten most popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in two separate years 1998 and 2005.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
chart that golf was by far the most attractive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
. The most significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in baseball after 7 years period, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a minor
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "one"?
ones
.

In 1998,
nearly
22 per cent of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Cacada
residents chose to play golf, which was
considerably
higher than the rest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, followed by a slight rise to 23 per cent in 2005. This upward trend
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
in cycling and soccer, which players increased to 6 per cent and 10 per cent,
respectively
in the final
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
surveyed.

Baseball witnessed the largest gap between two years in terms of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
joining this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
, which approximately a half of those players fell after 7 years. Ice hockey,
similarly
, although attracted almost 18 per cent population in 1998,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a downward tendency to around 17 per cent in 2005. The percentage of those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were involved
in the rest of top ten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
by about a mere 2 per cent after 7 years period surveyed,
namely
tennis, downhill skiing, volleyball, basketball, and swimming.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS academic The bar chart below shows the percentage of population playing ten top sports in Canada in 1998 and 2005. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
201 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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