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The bar graph below shows the numbers of male and female research students studying six subjects at a US university in 2011 v.4

The bar graph below shows the numbers of male and female research students studying six subjects at a US university in 2011 v. 4
The graph compares differences in the numbers of male and female students studying six subjects at a American university in 2011. In overall, the number of male students in most subjects was significant higher, especially in Mathematics, which 200 male involved while only less then 50 female took the course. Two third of the students joined programming class were men while only around 60 female student studied this subject. There were 150 male students in engineering and approximately 90 female students took this course. The disparity in psychology between two genders was trivial as 200 men joined the class and over 150 students were women. In natural sciences, there were 200 students in each gender. The only subject with higher number of woman participation was linguistics, which over 100 students were female and around 70 male student joined the class.
The graph compares differences in the numbers of male and
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female
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students
studying six
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subjects
at
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
American university in 2011. In
overall
, the number of male
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students
in most
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subjects
was significant higher,
especially
in Mathematics, which 200 male involved while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
less
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
then
50
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female
took the course.

Two third of the
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students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
programming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
were
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men
while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
around 60
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female
Possible agreement error. The noun 'student' seems to be countable, so consider using: "students".
student
studied this
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subject
. There were 150 male
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students
in engineering and approximately 90
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female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
took this course. The disparity in psychology between two genders was trivial as 200
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
and over 150
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students
were women.

In natural sciences, there were 200
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students
in each gender. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
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subject
with higher number of woman participation was linguistics, which over 100
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students
were
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female
and around 70 male
Possible agreement error. The noun 'student' seems to be countable, so consider using: "students".
student
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS academic The bar graph below shows the numbers of male and female research students studying six subjects at a US university in 2011 v. 4

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
140 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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