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The bar graph below shows the numbers of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia in the year 2003. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. v.2

The bar graph below shows the numbers of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia in the year 2003.
The bar graph compares the number of male and female workers by occupation in Australia in 2003. Overall, men outnumbered women in most job types, with the exception of professionals and clerical workers. It can be seen from the chart that the highest number of Australian women, about 950000 of them, worked in the office compared to less than 900000 of men. Ranked second in popularity among female employees was professionals with 700000 of them (were female), while the figure for their male counterparts was 650000. Meanwhile, the most popular job among men was tradepersons with 900000 workers, but it was also the least favored by women with their number 9 times lower than men. Less strikingly, men outnumbered women by five to one in production and three to one in management. The two remaining occupations namely semi professionals and labourers saw (little) a minor difference between two genders, with 60% of (them were) the males and 40% of the females working in these fields.
The bar graph compares the number of male and
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female
workers by occupation in Australia in 2003.
Overall
,
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men
outnumbered women in most job types,
Consider using "except" or "except for"
with the exception of
professionals and clerical workers.

It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the chart that the highest number of Australian women, about 950000 of them, worked in the office compared to less than 900000 of
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men
. Ranked second in popularity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
employees was professionals with 700000 of them (were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female)
, while the figure for their male counterparts was 650000.

Meanwhile, the most popular job among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
was
Possible spelling mistake found.
tradepersons
with 900000 workers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it was
also
the least favored by

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
women
with their number 9 times lower than
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men
. Less
strikingly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
outnumbered women by five to one in production and three to one in management. The two remaining occupations
namely
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
semi professionals
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
labourers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
(
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
) a minor difference between two genders, with 60% of (them were) the males and 40% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
working in these fields.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
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IELTS academic The bar graph below shows the numbers of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia in the year 2003.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
165 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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